Need a fresh start...but he's still here

[lost18]

Ok, I'm back.

So H got in to town the day my family was having a dinner. My mom cooked for 2 days. I told H about it but did not really invite him and honestly I didn't think he would come. I was right, he took off with his brother, which actually worked out great because when my mom and the girls asked I could just be honest and say he was hanging out with his brother.

The girls were hanging out with cousins and D13 wanted to get pants that H had brought for her so they went out to our place so she could change and came in and said they couldn't find H's suitcase, it was in the back room and wasn't anymore. I totally freaked out, and started playing all sorts of stuff in my head. Of course in the back of my mind I knew he could've put it in our room but assumed the girls looked. I went home to change before heading out and it was there. Lesson, don't let FEAR (future events already real) get the better of you.

We went out and we are all at the same bar and there is lots of people we haven't seen in years so we are all (H, me and our families) socializing. Each time he was going to get another beer he asked if I needed one and we did talk but weren't by each others side all night. An old friend of H's was introducing me to his new girlfriend and wasn't quite sure if I was H's "significant other or wife or what" H said wife. I asked him if he'd heard something different, he said no.

Later BIL and I were outside and I asked him what H was doing. He said he didn't want to get in the middle of it which I understand but asked him if H's house was ready (it is part of BIL's business). He laughed and said he!! no! I asked what he's going to do, live with me indefinitely, to which BIL responded again that he didn't want to get in the middle but he and SIL both have said (not to H but each other) that he needs to $hit or get off the pot. I commented that he's being an a$$hole and BIL agreed. Also mentioned that SIL was getting tickets to something and wanted to include me and the girls but BIL said that she can't keep including me in things because it's going to get awkward because H is divorcing me....

We all walked to a different bar and H and BIL/SIL ended up leaving earlier so it was just BIL (europe) and my brother still out. BIL kept saying that I need to get my passport and come visit...that was interesting because I was trying to determine if he knew anything about the sitch. Still have no idea.

Everyone who was going to stay at our place ended up staying at other BIL house because it was in town and our place is a few miles out. So as I went home I was wondering where H would be sleeping. Ok, more like stressing about it. I get home and H was in our bed. When I finally laid down, he gets up and goes out in the other room, comes back in lays down and ask if BIL/SIL were coming out. I said I had no idea (I knew they were already sleeping!).
A few minutes later he comments "well, I guess I shouldn't sleep in here if they're not coming out."
I replied "It's fine H."
A few minutes after that he has his arm around me being "playful" I said "What are you doing H?"
He rolls over and commented about me being right and he shouldn't do that.
A few minutes later he rolls over again and one thing leads to another and we end up having sex.

Ok, there was a lot of drinking involved and I kept thinking "what the hell am I doing?" But, it had been 2 years for me so....

The next morning he got up, went outside and then came back in laid down and started talking. Not about what had happened, just about people the night before. I went to town to get coffee and ended up stopping at BIL's house, they were all out on the deck talking. H shows up a little later and I walked with him and 2 BILs to the coffee shop/car show. H bought his stuff and went outside, I got my coffee and left. Didn't really see him all day, he was doing his thing, I was doing mine.

That night there was a fundraiser/dance that we were at. We barely talked to each other, as a matter of fact he was talking to his brother and went up to them to ask BIL a question and he walked away. Hmmmm...later I see him talking to D17 and she was pointing at me and he made a point to come tell me he was going home. I again was wondering where he would be sleeping, and he always has his back for an excuse, but he was in our bed again...snoring.

I should mention that at some point he told me he saw SIL/BIL unpacking at his brother's before he went home on Thursday so he already knew they weren't staying at our place...yes I know I'm over analyzing everything!

Saturday a bunch from both families went to the parade together, I was a good DIL and brought a folding chair for his mother. He said they were going out to eat after and invited me to go. I declined because I had my class reunion. Again, both did our thing, missed each other at home too.

He went home a lot earlier than I did. When I went to bed he got up, went out in the kitchen and was out there for a while. He came back to bed, asked if I was still awake and we talked for a little while. Then, one thing lead to another, I initiated and we were intimate again.

This post is getting way long, but he was in town for two more days. Sunday both families ended up at my sister's bar (his brother's band was playing) and we were still doing our own thing but he was a bit more attentive. He was talking to his "first love," for quite awhile, she's a mess. Alcoholic and quite slutty and just rough, she was trying to pick him he told me later! haha...but even when he was talking to her he was making eye contact with me.

Monday we had a little BBQ with his mom and brothers and then he left early Tuesday morning...I was there another week.

So those of you know that know me know my mind was going non-stop trying to figure out what this all meant, what is he thinking, on and on. If it was a one time thing after a night of drinking ok, but it happened twice and the second time neither of us had much to drink. We didn't talk about it at all, either time. Not to say it was great or it shouldn't have happened....nothing!

What do I do moving forward? What's going to happen when I get home? UGH...June 24th we were having a conversation about splitting assets and a month later we're being intimate. I don't think you just change your mind like that.

Some thoughts from other people:
-it's always a different feel when we're home, relaxed & fun, makes people more loving
-he felt like he was getting shut out and didn't like it
-he was home without me for 3 weeks and completely alone for over a week and missed me
-he never had a 100% conviction, he was saying that he wanted a D but no actions toward D
-a lot of his issues with me are no longer valid

So, obviously we had some positive interactions but I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse. Still have lots going thru my head.

This is probably enough (too much) information for now. Will pick up later with what happened after he left.