MLC SEPERATED AND NO CHANGE PART 3

[asitis]

Toots and Asitis: Thank you, you both make valid points and I am so glad you responded I was feeling at the end of my rope but you have given me new hope and more encouragement to stay the course.

I will take the advice and try to be more forceful about my times I am available. It is just that on the weekends he comes around for both S and me or maybe just S I am not sure and I don't think he is sure.

He did say today that he hates coming around because he thinks I nit pick (again I am not and this I know cuz I watch it) and because of R talk which we haven't done since May.

so maybe I tell him he needs not come to see me but can pick S up and take him somewhere else? What do you guys think? If I say that then he will be like yeah whatever you want and I know he will be mad even though he says he isn't.

Yes it is hard to detach when he comes back around I am good when he is not around or I know or haven't seen him for a couple of days.

Can he come around whenever, or do you have a set schedule? If he says he hates coming around, definitely suggest he take son out rather than hanging around. If he resists, then you plan to go out once he's there. Even if it is to go take a walk at a park or some place that gives you a break, get out rather than hanging around. Make yourself less available. If he thinks you nitpick, see if he likes not having you around as much.

My coach has stressed thinking in terms of what makes me attractive. Think before I say or do anything, "is this attractive?" Think about the ways you are interacting and whether or not they attract him to you. Is being around the house when he comes over attractive? I don't think it is sending him that message. There is nothing mysterious or interesting about that. You are reminding him of the one thing in the M he isn't interested in right now: the wife. You want him to start viewing you as the friend, and eventually the lover and partner.

Maybe think through what boundaries would give you more peace of mind, give you some time to GAL, and keep the interactions either about co-parenting or brief cheerful discussions with a friendly neighbor.

Look for activities in the area (I think I remember you aren't in a city, so you might have to look farther afield) that you could do on a regular basis, and ask your H to watch your S then. My pottery classes were one of my things, but it could be something at the library, a local college (adult extension education), an art center, a craft shop. Anything that gets you out doing something you think will interest you and get you around other people.

Negotiate which weekend days he can come take your S, and which ones you will get. Then try to do something fun with your S on the days you have him, and plan to do something for yourself the days he does.

You are no longer on the shelf where he put you and wants you to stay. You are making lemonade out of the lemons he handed you. You are someone who is going on with your life and projecting a liveliness that he is not expecting or used to. You aren't just wife that he sees as a drag of obligations and limitations.

Maybe lay out what agreements & understandings you have made with your H? Things like contact, permission to come over, when H can come and when he can't, division of parenting responsibilities, etc.