hold on! - 11

[CaliGuy]

Good for you U .... I think this is what you just had to do at this point.

And .. yeah ... join that group!

[ep0215]

U-turn: I was served by a person of the court coming to my house at 9:00 at night and I had to sign that I received the documents. I was alone and it was very devastating to be told by a stranger that my H had filed for divorce. I just wanted to let you know so that you can decide if you want to put your WW through that. For me, and I don't if this is because I am the LBS, but I would not wish that feeling in that moment on anyone. Even my WAH. Just a thought.

I do hope that taking this step will give you some peace and closure.

[u-turn]

Yeah ep - I have had the same thoughts - I didn't want to put WW through that either, but I was assured that it doesn't happen like that here. And the way I understand it is either served this way or by certified mail (that she may never pick up from the post office).

I was assured that the notice will be placed at the front door with the other documentation following by certified mail.

I was dreading the thought of having the knock on the door.

Thank you ep!

[JellyB]

Hey there U!!

I am not surprised to hear that you are tired and have been feeling the weight of your situation. This is not easy stuff. Emotoinal and finanical. Likely you are feeling battered and bruised, Burdened seems like a good word for it all. BUT you have carried it with such integrity. But YES put it down and feel yourself standing upright, tall and proud.

With regard to wife and how she will manage the serving. I think that's best to be advised by people who have been through the process. My only wish for you is the minimisation any pain and discomfort for you and your children. IMO, (for what little it is worth) wife needs her put on her own BGP, and she is not your responibility in this instance. But that is likely me being a bi**ch (not normally a quality I possess, but it is a side of myself that is developing as I find my own self esteem - pendulum swinging the other way likely)

Yes please join the XC group, I am not brave enough to join a woman's group which is teaching XC skills. So I will live vicariously through you until I pull my BGP (big girl panties) on. Every time you put your riding miles on I have to get the calculator out to work in out in kms. Makes me laugh! You have good base now I, given your commitment over the summer, time to step it up. I have been visualising a new bike coming to you, something with incrediably sexy lines, especially down the front and back forks, and because I am a girl, colour is it obviously important, I always shop on colour first. I know the asthetics and functionallity will be important to you given your profession and teachnical/engineering leanings.

PS I hope you don't mind that we talk cycling. I don't have anyone to talk to about it at the moment and I am trying to ignite some passion in myself for again.

Anyway take care friend. Another weekend on the horizon, Friday 0939hrs here in NZ.

[u-turn]

Hiya Jelly,
Kiaora

Thanks for your understanding - I feel like I have had integrity, but that is being challenged by W's spew as recently as last night.

After an unwarranted argument with d15, W storms off from the dinner table again and leaves (5 minutes into dinner) - I just stared at her. She immediately started the text message barrage which I just let go on and on - after about 30 minutes I (after I was done eating with D15 and her friend) I read the messages. She told me to stop being the kids F***ing friends, I am making everything worse, I am sabotaging her relationship with the kids, I am doing this by not having conversations with her at dinners and won't look at her during dinner........and on and on.

She said she is going to begin calling me out on this in front of the kids - I guess I need to prepare for this.

Maybe I need to suggest not having family dinners any more and have a schedule where I can have this with the kids without her and she can have this with the kids without me (I currently make dinners about 90% of the time) and eat with the kids 100% of the time unless they are gone doing something of course.

and then her last text message - the carrot and stick "I cannot believe I wrote something to give you" - what that means is she probably wrote me some kind of letter for me to read (maybe). She has not done that in since BD - it was something I wanted for a long time - at least earlier in the sitch, but now? She still knows how to get to me but I am not going to ask about it. (don't really believe this anyway)

I didn't respond to any of this at all - I think I won't.

-------------

I would like to hear from other's too about how the serving was handled - though for the most part, I think that I am on the other end of the spectrum from most - most that have been served here are LBS and it was yet another emotional kick in the groin (and I get that and have been waiting for that). Now I am the one kicking. I agree that it is her and her BGP's problem to deal with, but I am not a person to ever want to cause anyone undue pain).

So I do not want to cause WW pain, fear, humility, or embarrassment. I don't want to teach her a lesson or any of that. I just want her to know what's coming so she can prepare her end of things.

--------

I don't mind at all talking about cycling - in fact sometimes I'd like to talk about anything but Rs and Ms and Ds and As and what to do and how to act and feelings and .... It's good to get away from that for a minute.

(oh - and sorry for the whole mile/km thing - silly american forgetting that we are the only ones using the greatest and measuring system of all time - I really think the rest of the world will see the value in this arbitrary system someday (down with the metric system!!!))

I'll come back to you about a new bike - that would cost money - spent on myself - for fun. That is not in the picture right now, but maybe someday. I was thinking this though - flat black - can't go wrong there - great minimal design and void of color and ornament - organize/hide those cables. I'll think more on this though.

My riding distances have been increasing and that has been surprisingly easy for me(I still have a lot of energy at the end of my rides) - I feel like I am only limited by the amount of time I can spend doing it. So - I am working on increasing my pace which is challenging me a bit (especially with that dang wind - which I have not made friends with yet - and my clunky do-all bike). I feel like you and I are in different cycling leagues as you are probably one of those sunday cyclists that zoom past me in packs (and I swear at - calling them show-offs - as they pull away from me laughing). I love being out there though.

Enjoy the weekend - (near chicago Friday-0739hrs)
Thanks for being a friend JB - Kia Kaha

[JellyB]

Bumping UTurns thread...advice needed about W being served. I'm useless for sage advice on this one, but I'm sure there are others that could well advise. cheers jellybxxx

[EyeTie]

Uturn, I was ALWAYS the cook in my home with my WW. I got off of work earlier than she did, so I took care of it. When I got the "ILYBINILWY" line followed with the "I want a divorce" line, I quit cooking for her. When she would get home, myself, the kids and I would all be done with dinner and all left overs (if there were leftovers, I planned my meals for 3) would be stowed in the fridge. It really hit her to walk into the house that smelled like one of her favorite dishes and then quickly realize that there wasn't enough for her or that she would have to microwave leftovers.

To me it was just showing her one of the things she was missing. Give that a shot too man.

[sandi2]

There are many disadvantages to "in-house" separation. Mainly, b/c you are really separated. She wants the advantages of the M without the disadvantages (like staying faithful and acting as a W).

[JellyB]

Hi there U,

You are a man of integrity and kindness U. It seems that it is your nature to ensure that you are a strong man for your wife and family. And to have your wife served in a way that keeps her intact says so much about you! You are a fine example of a man and father.

It is hard to read about how your wife speaks to you, as I feel the shame of my own behaviour toward my ex. I see in her behaviour as I do my own, some adolescent response to a situation that I felt was out of my control. The thought that I was the creator of the relationship I was then living in was beyond my insight, and I continued to create drama with each blaming statement that came out of my mouth.

I think about my ex now and how he responded to me, and I am beginning to think, that most of the time he was so blown away by the thought that I could think so poorly of him. I shut him down emotionally with my blame and anger. I think maybe, that you have done the same ,and wife has zero recognition of her role in this. However she is now frustrated by your lack emotional engagement. The dangling of the carrot reeks of the adolescent drama lover!

I hope more vets pop by and provide some advice about a kind way of having wife serve. I am so hopeful that this the beginning of some positive move forward for you and your family.
.....................................................................
thanks for the comments about the cycling. I would hate for you to think I was being disrespectful of your situation or dismissive of the stress you must be under. I am of the opinion that we are not the sum total of this sad experience. And cycling seems to be your one releases your GAL.

Don't worry about the metric thing, I love it, it tickles me to read it. I love that you feel more able to ride further, increasing speed is good if distance is a worry. Interval training is good for improving speed and fitness.

I can see possibly a Matt black finish on your next bike? Very sexy. Do you name your bikes . My flore pink, black and white Avanti is called Madge. Named after madonna, as she is pretty much a Diva, And no I'm not a Lyra snob and at this stage, eight post last surgery I am far from being fit enough to be riding past you. I would be the one being dropped of the back of the bunch, riding along on my own at leisurely pace. Arriving at the coffee shop just as everyone else is getting back on their bikes and riding home.


I have rambled on. Hope you have had a good weekend. No spew jacket required for you, fingers crossed here in Auckland that you didn't need it.

Jellybxxx Sunday 15:09hrs

[Vanilla]

U

I haven't served yet but actually the delivery itself is less than important. The content is more important together with space, can you get the kids away for a couple of days around the service

Make things easier in house. WW is in spew mode, and frankly the knob may up to rant mode. You are taking away her cake and it may anger her. A few days peace for your children, perhaps texts. That isn't being cowardly or not having brass ones, it's common sense and protective. Leaving you to handle WW without concerns for the children.

If WW spews at the table in front of the kids, "I can see why you might think that" then "please pass the peas". She is trying to bait you into "I told you so". If so "I hear you WW, and we can discuss this later".

V