Lost, alone, and in pain

[HurtHus]

It is really hard to put my finger on why I think she is eating her cake, but there are things she agreed to that aren't happening and I think if left alone would never happen. I think she agreed to talk to my DB coach simply because it was an easy option for her. She is still going out with friends regularly knowing it leaves me trapped in the house with the kids at dinner and bed time. She is going to dinner for a birthday next week then to a concert over the weekend. The only way I will know if she is telling the truth about those things is if she posts things to social media.

The closest we have come to as far as a transparency plan is she changed her pw on her phone back to what it used to be and told me. I have access to her phone at night if I want to look and that gives me access to her social media accounts and email as well as web history, but she had been deleting all of that for months. She could easily be doing that still.

She does not work with the OM. They had to arrange to meet up at her lunch time and find a place to go do their thing. I know at least one other person was giving them suggestions on where to go and that person is still a big influence on my W.

The DB coach agreed that he thought there was at least some level of an MLC involved and after talking with her said the signs seem very positive that she is wanting to fix things. I feel like she isn't committed to this for exactly the reasons you asked. She hasn't followed through on really anything aside from ending the A. I saw the text she sent to the OM and his response. She has assured me there has not been any other communication and is starting to get a little annoyed if I ask her about it. That seems like a bas sign to me. I have asked if we could spend 30 minutes each week alone together without the kids and that seemed to be too much let alone 30 minutes a day. She leaves to workout at 5:45 AM and gets home from work around 5. Spends time on her phone doing god knows what (again she could easily be deleting messages). We eat dinner get the kids to bed and she needs to shower and go to sleep so she can wake up at 5:45 again the next day. She wants us to talk, but not about the R or the A even though we have said we need to discuss it weekly at least. I have expressed that I need to know she is remorseful more often and that she will never be unfaithful again when we are on the DB calls, she says she understands and that it won't happen again, but I don't hear her expressing remorse.

She has spoken to him alone twice, once for a full session and once for half a session before we both spoke with him. She seemed open and willing to do what we discussed, but then just moves on as though nothing ever happened.

My recent flair up and her GM happened about 4 months apart, but the A started right around the time her GM passed. My disease first surfaced about 6 years ago, but had been in remission for 4 years. This time around hit me hard and I really went to a dark place wrestling with my own mortality. I joined a support group and saw at least two people every month passing from complications of this disease. It really scared me and I know I went into overdrive with trying to pack as much life into every minute. What I was really doing was pushing too hard for things that I wanted without taking the time to appreciate what I had. I see that now. I think that is a big factor in all of this, but I think the MLC was beginning already and that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It got to the point that I could joke about how happy I was that she could lift my body weight because she would likely have to help me onto the toilet and into the shower down the road. Really morbid and not at all helpful.

I've only been unemployed since June. I have been laid off 4 or 5 times in the last 13 years and have never been without a job for more than 2 days. At my wife's suggestion I have been collecting unemployment and taking my time looking for a job so I could spend time with the kids. She has said it is amazing how much less stressed I seem. I keep thinking "if you only knew how much stress I am under right now." Good news is I got a new job today.

You didn't confuse me. At least not any more than I already was. There are times, like this morning when she initiated the affectionate embrace and how she has been contacting me throughout the day that I think we are at the piecing it back together stage, but then there are times when I realize just how many promises she has not lived up to that I wonder if we are even close to that. All of this just makes me hurt for her even more because I truly think she is in a really bad place right now. I think she knows she has a good thing and wants to work on it, but she is scared and questioning everything in her life. I'll set up a call with my coach ASAP. I'm just worried that using the last session for myself will keep us from having any sort of follow up discussion about our M together with anyone. I guess I need to worry about me first and foremost though.