Lost, alone, and in pain

[sandi2]

I'm not sure if we are really in the piecing the M back together or not at this point. I feel like I am there, but it does not seem like she is. It seems like she is still trying to eat her cake.

Okay, good point. Can you give some examples of what she does that makes you feel she's eating cake?

Do you feel she was allowed to come back into the MR too easily? Do you feel she did not have to face enough consequences, punishment, or what? Does she act as if the A never happened?

I am trying to be patient, but I feel like I've been too much of a doormat for too long. I am frustrated by the lack of effort, the lack of remorse she has shown, the lack of commitment to even working on the R even though she has said she wants to. She has also said she doesn't know what she wants though. How do I navigate those mixed signals?

It is not uncommon for a LBH to feel what you are experiencing, especially the anger. Some, in fact, focus so much on getting the WW back again until they don't get through that anger stage until after she ends the A and agrees to R.

If she tries to act as if the A never happened or is trying to just pick up where the M left off (bypass discussing it, etc.), there is a possibility she's still in contact, somehow, with OM.......or keeping the A alive in her head (daydreaming about the "what ifs", looking at OM's social media, photos, asking others about OM, etc.) Every time she sees him or hears about him, it is as if she's had another shot of drugs. Has anyone discussed a transparency plan between the two of you?

By lack of commitment and effort, is it b/c she avoids having the conversations and spending time alone with you and not going to the therapist, as she agreed to do? Has she given an excuse for it?

This really is not a good sign, IMHO. The unwillingness to follow through with her agreement to the therapist. What is her attitude with the DB coach? Does she talk to the coach?

She has also said she doesn't know what she wants though.

Another suspicious sign. It's often a stall tactic until she decides about OM, or see what OM is going to do. In other words, keep you as plan B.

She could still be very confused and just trying to do the right thing. Once I made my decision to do the right thing and stay in my M, I ended the A. The feelings didn't follow for some time. However, I did want help and wanted both of us to seek MC. (It was my H who refused to go.)

How do I navigate those mixed signals?

Tough spot, for sure! If you don't know if you are in piecing, or not......you won't know which way to go. I suggest you call your DB coach, without your W around, and explain your concerns and get the coach's advice. B/c at first, I thought you were in piecing, by what I had read......but now, IDK.

I can tell you this much, if she treated you like a doormat, she didn't respect you. Which probably means she hasn't reached the point of respecting you, yet. That could cause a lot of back & forth stuff from her. She is going through a very tempting time, and it would not take very much for her to cave to the A. Since I don't much of your marital history, or the OM for that matter, I could play guessing games all day. Do they work together or have to see each other at times?

I said I was calling a lawyer the next morning (I can hear it now that I should not have been so forceful and demanding probably, but it is what it is) and she had until I had an appointment to meet with them to decide how she wanted to proceed. The next morning she said that was likely what had to happen. I left the house to go to the apt. When I was about to go into the office I texted her and said I wanted to make sure this was what she wanted. She said she didn't know. That is when I said she would need to end the A, see an IC and MC, and commit to working through things. She agreed, but has not followed through on any of it aside from ending the A (as far as I know).

Yikes! Well, this tells me more. Do you have proof that she is not contacting OM, or that she truly ended the A? (Since you said you had proof there was an A, I just wondered.) With her stalling you minutes before going to the lawyer, it makes me wonder if OM dumped her. Do you know any details about it?

BTW, the way you handled the lawyer thing is fine IMO. You have to show inner strength to a WW, and no doormat tactics.

I am beating this disease.

God bless you! It sounds as if she does admire how you are fighting it.

I need to regain some of my confidence (how can anyone go through this and not have their confidence shaken?). I need to reassert myself as a positive driving force by moving forward personally. I just don't know how to do those things and at what stage we are.

If you have felt dependent on her, emotionally or otherwise, that could have hurt your confidence. I have been told it is extremely hard for a man to be down (where his W has to help him) b/c it makes him feel weak. If it helps, and speaking as a woman, a man's physical strength isn't always what a woman sees. It's his inner strength that makes the difference with her.

I face a life threatening disease, her GM passes, she begins to look at old HS photos and wants to look like that again, says she hates her stomach and how the kids ruined her body, gets braces, gets a tattoo, finds another man (pretty much the exact opposite of me).

Did all this happen around the same time? Was she extremely close to her GM? It could be MLC. How long has this been going on?

After her leaving yesterday without a word and not communicating yesterday she was very affectionate this morning, has texted me often and called me to ask how my day is going. She has seemed excited about my job interviews (yeah it doesn't help that I am unemployed right now). I am so confused. It seems like she is still in an MLC, but maybe the fog is lifting a little bit and maybe she wants to work on things, but is not really committed or has the energy to do what needs to be done. Hope my rambling makes some sort of sense.

It makes more sense now than the other post. The more details or background we have, the better picture. How long have you been unemployed?

Yes, you make more sense to me. It's difficult to know exactly what to make of it. Did your DB coach say it was MLC?

If it is, then it may last longer than a wayward wife situation can, but IDK. Either are no walk in the park! Again, I would call the coach and try to get a more precise perspective about your W, from the coach. Ask the coach, if you haven't already, if they think it is MLC.

For today, and until you talk to the coach, I would say to treat her as though she were a boarder living under your roof. Be nice, talk pleasantly, and don't discuss the relationship or A......until you talk to the coach. I hope I have not caused confusion for you, but I thought you were first describing piecing.