have i been making mistakes too long

[HurtHus]

I won't say I had suicidal thoughts, but the though has crossed my mind that everyone would be better off if I didn't wake up. It [censored]. Don't let yourself think that way.

You are not guiltless, but the blame is not all yours.

My W seems to be going through an MLC also based on everything I've read here. It seems like a massive monkey wrench in the DBing process even though she has said she wants to work things out I don't know if she really means it or even realizes what kind of work it is going to take and if she is willing to put that work into us.

My W can still talk about the good times at least, but I swear the recent history has been nothing but negative and every word that comes out of my mouth means the worst possible thing it could be construed as no matter how I say it or what I mean by it. It's as if she sees me not as the person with good intent that I have always been, but a mean spirited jackass.

I can empathize with the desire to figure out what is at the root of the problem. I solve problems for a living. I take a complex set of variables and find a solution from a complex set of viable solutions. It is maddening to have this problem in front of me and know that even if I could figure what the hell is wrong there is NOTHING I can do to fix it.

I know what you mean about loving her with all of your heart and knowing what kind of person she was and not being able to reconcile that with what you are seeing and feeling today. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We can get through this though.

Post away. Post as often as you need to. Are you seeing a therapist too?

I'm finding that each day I decide to push forward is another day I manage to handle things. Minute by minute, day by day. Don't look to the future. All we will see is unending misery because that's all we know right now. Just take it a day at a time. From the timeline and your ages we are pretty similar. I'm 36, W is 36, S 7, D 4. If I had been more aware I'd say the bad news probably came about this time last year, but we were still having way more good times than bad, but the big bomb (the A) was dropped on me in July and the not attracted to you convo was back in April.

Find an outlet. I built a deck, found a new job, am getting back to the gym more, have reconnected with old friends and my family. It isn't easy, but we can make it through.