Lost, alone, and in pain

[HurtHus]

We went to a Gottman seminar in the midst of her A and it really seemed to help break down some barriers. It amazes me how even though she wasn't really interested in working on us how much we both got out of that seminar. Unfortunately there aren't any Gottman folks out here on the east coast.

I think we have the same problem with communication when it comes to any conflict. I say something and she hears something different entirely and the same is true I'm sure for when she says something.

I've suggested the 5 Love Languages because I am certain we both need to feel affection in very different ways and we would benefit from understanding them. Unfortunately I think I am a very physically affectionate person, that's going to take some time to feel loved in our situation.

It feels like all I have been doing is chugging those stfu smoothies lately. I know I can't speak out of anger, but sometimes the only times I have the balls to say anything is when I am angry. I need to rebuild my confidence badly. This has shaken me to the core. I stared down the barrel of a disease that puts people in wheel chairs and using feeding tubes and said "FU". I got fit and run 13 mile obstacle courses through the mud, I compete in CrossFit comps. I can overcome anything. Anything but this it feels like.

I've suggested MC. She agreed, but the only one we are talking to right now is my DB coach. She has not made any effort to find one. I'm torn on finding one for us because I don't want to be seen as desperate and I also want her to put the effort into finding one as a sign that she is serious.

I get on here and read threads, think I have it under control only to find out everything I thought I was doing right was wrong and that I'm doing more damage than good. I don't handle uncertainty well and everything in my life right now is uncertain except for the love for my kids and desire for my W and I to find some peace. Give me another disease to fight and I'd be happier than going through this.