Lost, alone, and in pain

[HurtHus]

This is great stuff Sandi, I'm not sure if we are really in the piecing the M back together or not at this point. I feel like I am there, but it does not seem like she is. It seems like she is still trying to eat her cake.

She did agree to end the A, get individual and marriage counseling, and to give us time to work on things. She says she ended the A (I'm not sure how I could know that she has without some other actions on her part, like showing remorse). She has not gone to individual counseling (I suggested this because I recognized that she was going through a lot and though a professional would be able to help her sort through everything), we are only talking to my DB coach and only have one more session. She has not done what we have agreed upon in those sessions, we are supposed to talk about the A and our M once a week, we are supposed to have brief touch point convos every few days to validate what has been going well, and we are supposed to set aside time to just be together. None of those things are happening even when I initiate them.

I haven't asked for any physical attention aside from asking if I could kiss her. I don't even initiate the embraces at night because I don't want to smother or pressure her. She enjoys me rubbing her arm and back as she falls asleep and I don't do that without trying to make sure she is okay with it (either body language or if I am unsure asking directly).

I am trying to be patient, but I feel like I've been too much of a doormat for too long. I am frustrated by the lack of effort, the lack of remorse she has shown, the lack of commitment to even working on the R even though she has said she wants to. She has also said she doesn't know what she wants though. How do I navigate those mixed signals?

I know I'm all over the place. I promise I'm not the one having the MLC. The divorce was initiated at her request. When we had problems, before I knew about the A I told her I did not want a D, but if that was what she wanted I would do my best to make sure it was amicable and that I would do whatever I could to minimize the impact on our kids. She said she didn't know what she wanted so I left the decision in her hands and backed off. When I found out about the A and had proof I confronted her and said she needed to make a decision because I would not stay married to her if she continued. I said I was calling a lawyer the next morning (I can hear it now that I should not have been so forceful and demanding probably, but it is what it is) and she had until I had an appointment to meet with them to decide how she wanted to proceed. The next morning she said that was likely what had to happen. I left the house to go to the apt. When I was about to go into the office I texted her and said I wanted to make sure this was what she wanted. She said she didn't know. That is when I said she would need to end the A, see an IC and MC, and commit to working through things. She agreed, but has not followed through on any of it aside from ending the A (as far as I know).

So I totally see what you are saying and understand that maybe I am not following the right course of action. I just don't know if we really are at the piecing it back together stage yet or not.

A little more background, I think the reason she began to lose respect in me is because of physical strength. I have an autoimmune disease that destroys my muscles. I had been hitting the gym hard and gotten much more fit and way stronger than I ever had been. She was also growing more fit and strong, but I was always significantly stronger. I am in the midst of a flair up and have lost a great deal of strength and endurance and even the ability to work out how I had been just 6 months ago. That said people with my disease end up in wheel chairs not doing CrossFit. I am beating this disease. She tells me how proud she is of me for doing what I am and how awesome it is that I am even working out and doing what I do. I just can't help but notice how the timing all worked out. I face a life threatening disease, her GM passes, she begins to look at old HS photos and wants to look like that again, says she hates her stomach and how the kids ruined her body, gets braces, gets a tattoo, finds another man (pretty much the exact opposite of me).

I know I need to be the man I know I am. I need to regain some of my confidence (how can anyone go through this and not have their confidence shaken?). I need to reassert myself as a positive driving force by moving forward personally. I just don't know how to do those things and at what stage we are.

After her leaving yesterday without a word and not communicating yesterday she was very affectionate this morning, has texted me often and called me to ask how my day is going. She has seemed excited about my job interviews (yeah it doesn't help that I am unemployed right now). I am so confused. It seems like she is still in an MLC, but maybe the fog is lifting a little bit and maybe she wants to work on things, but is not really committed or has the energy to do what needs to be done. Hope my rambling makes some sort of sense.