Your WH could have blocked OW texts, in my opinion he encouraged them. I don't want communication with my WH, I blocked his texts emails calls, it's easy enough. I don't have to have his texts pinging away next to me. Further he let you know of the flow, blaming OW. Which to my mind is exceeding unpleasant and hurtful. It's part of the triangulation dynamic I mentioned.
Does that make sense?
Does it matter if OW drama causes them to break down?
If their R stops likely there will be another OW waiting, if you take away your cake then likely another OW. You already believe he is cheating on her?
Their R is their R, WH is interested in having you as part of their dynamic. I think it feeds his ego and you detaching from it would be very helpful I feel. The "WTF" attitude will help. My WH tried this tactic with me, I guess he had three or four of these women in a string including a mouth (the fishwife) even taking her to my holiday flat by the sea. Impressing them, after his initial attempts to triangulate he hid his OWs and POWs. I just detached, stopped letting it drive me crazy, I couldn't do anything about it, his sandpit, his concern. It still upset me but I didn't feed WH ego. WH felt entitled to his "friends".
It's you I am interested in, your pain after 12 months of this watching and waiting. I can read you struggling with this. If WH did let go of this mouthpiece, would he be the H of your dreams? Will he be keen in his vows, loyal to his beautiful W, caring of her feelings, remorseful, worthy of his W? Or will he go another round with a different OW, or go back to the same one? Will he respect and love you, stay faithful?
When you can say yes to all those questions it can be different. There will be a new M. In the meantime, your life is on hold. Detachment is key.
So what are the answers to my questions?
Hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
apologies up front - I have only skimmed your thread.
I dont know or expect that I could expand or improve upon V's advice. From my experience though we read and re-read the same advice given to ourselves and others over and over again - and then suddenly, someone phrases it in a particular way, or maybe it is just the umpteenth time that it finally sinks in AND you kick yourself because this is what people have been saying all along.
Posters at BD might commiserate, posters with years under their belt might objectively give you great advice in one sentence that just flies over your head. They all mean well.
I do have a question though, from skimming - L? It doesn't seem fair that your H is financially languishing and leaving his family in the lurch. Aside from the the cake eating V discusses - this is also cake eating. It his prerogative to engage with OW etc, but it absolutely is not fair to do so and leave his family struggling. The law may be screwed up, but the bottom line, the spirit of the law is fairness.
I might be better able to help if you talk to me a bit. Where do you feel you are at now? What is your biggest concern?
I gather you have problems with detaching. I have been through this before with our dear Smothy and I can't claim to be an expert and cure you overnight but I am more than happy to listen and help where I can.
In my case, I didn't want to detach. Even though it was hurting, that pain was all that I had left of my love, my M. I didn't want to give that up. I spent every minute thinking about my W in one way or another. I didn't want "switch off" my love. I didn't want to become a robot.
3 months after BD we were texting about kids and I just lost it and sent an angry text. W threatened intervention order. Reading it again now it was laughable, no where in the league of an IO, but it scared me. I could screw up custody, my life, everything.
So I detached. Forcibly. Very forcibly. For the next two days every time my W came into my head I FORCED myself to think of something else. That in itself is not my point. The point is that after a few days I noticed that it was a)easier to distract myself and b)i was able to recognise much sooner when I started to go down that path of thinking about my W, OM, M, D etc.
I relaxed this forcing, bit by bit, and to my surprise I could function better. BUT the biggest surprise of all was that even though I was "detached" (slightly) I was not a robot. I didn't love my W any less, I actually loved her more. Detaching gave me clarity. Not at all what I expected.
It will also give you a greater clarity to see yourself. what your part is AND what you want it to be.
In skimming I read that you saw your son sleeping and your first thought was for what your H is missing. This is beautiful Little. This is you. This has nothing to do with your H. As I have just said on my thread - all the love I have (and you) is in your mind. Your H can't see this now. That's his loss. End of story. It doesn't change the beauty in your heart. And don't let it.
I suppose the biggest difference between here (DB),other forums and well meaning friends and family is that people here won't tell you that "you are better off without him", "you deserve better", etc. These sentiments can easily lead to and support anger in your heart and anger will hurt you and also any chance you have at R.
One last thing - early on I read a comment on these boards. I can't remember who it was but I always remember the words. Two years after BD, her H lost in A, her "friend" asked why are you still waiting. "I'm not waiting. I'm open to R."
This is where you want to be Little.
Take Care.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
It's you I am interested in, your pain after 12 months of this watching and waiting. I can read you struggling with this. If WH did let go of this mouthpiece, would he be the H of your dreams? Will he be keen in his vows, loyal to his beautiful W, caring of her feelings, remorseful, worthy of his W? Or will he go another round with a different OW, or go back to the same one? Will he respect and love you, stay faithful?
When you can say yes to all those questions it can be different. There will be a new M. In the meantime, your life is on hold. Detachment is key.
So what are the answers to my questions?
Hugs
V
In answer to your questions V, my answer is yes to all of them except for the OW. He will not go back or find a new one. I honestly believe that. Affair fog, MLC, whatever you want to call it, I believe he thinks the grass is greener there.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
apologies up front - I have only skimmed your thread.
I might be better able to help if you talk to me a bit. Where do you feel you are at now? What is your biggest concern? --Right now I feel lost. I am so afraid that my the one thing I want most is gone for good. We had started talking about him coming home (he started) and I let my guard down and sstarted to believe, got pushy and he ran back. So I am back at square one.
I gather you have problems with detaching. I have been through this before with our dear Smothy and I can't claim to be an expert and cure you overnight but I am more than happy to listen and help where I can. --Yes I am having major problems detaching.
In my case, I didn't want to detach. Even though it was hurting, that pain was all that I had left of my love, my M. I didn't want to give that up. I spent every minute thinking about my W in one way or another. I didn't want "switch off" my love. I didn't want to become a robot. --This is exactly me.
I suppose the biggest difference between here (DB),other forums and well meaning friends and family is that people here won't tell you that "you are better off without him", "you deserve better", etc. --I have heard this alot along with "just stop talking to him, he'll come around then"
One last thing - early on I read a comment on these boards. I can't remember who it was but I always remember the words. Two years after BD, her H lost in A, her "friend" asked why are you still waiting. "I'm not waiting. I'm open to R." --THis is where I want to be. This is where you want to be Little.
Take Care.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
Last night he texted me late and was in a bad mood. He was asking questions about dd15. (she broke her ankle couple months back and there was a problem at school the other day). So I calmly answered his questions. Then at the end I said have a good night and ended the conversation. About a half hour later I got "Well I thought we could talk but I guess not". I said that it seemed like he was in a bad mood and was busy talking to someone else (OW). I did not engage him very much at all. Somehow in that conversation he decided that I was out of the house. So he said have a good night out and have fun. I simply replied with ok.
I do not engage him when he is in a bad mood. It is useless. No matter what I say or if I try to defend myself it makes it worse. Besides if he thinks I am going out then maybe he will see me moving on with my life.
His contact with me is getting less and less. which I guess is part of the process. I know alot of it has to do with the OW. She has accomplished to alienate his children and now it looks like I am next. If that is the case so be it. I am standing for my marriage.
Help me please. I read Sandi's 37 daily and I practice them. I just don't know how to let go. I am afraid to.
Me 44 H 46 3 DD 22, 18, 15 1 DS 2.5 M 10/1992 BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014 Moved in with OW 7/20/2014
I am right there with you Little. It seemed that going dark worked in the beginning and he kept calling and texting me. Now I don't hear from him at all. He doesn't even call me to talk about our son. I still call his phone to say goodnight to S4 at night but try to hang up before he can get back on the phone. I'm scared that he is really, really gone.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Little - this has been the hardest thing for me too. He used to call and FaceTime goodnight to S4 almost every night. He only sees him 2 days a week. Now he never calls or asks about him when he isn't with him. It makes me extremely sad for my son.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
