Lost, alone, and in pain

[sandi2]

The following advice is only for those Piecing a M back together again. Unless your S has agreed to work on the M (end the A, remorseful, etc.) then don't apply this advice to your stitch.

Okay, it is extremely important that you realize you and your W are in what we call "piecing the M back together". So, some things we tell a LBH to do with a WW, may not apply to your stitch as it is now. I know that could be a bit frustrating at the moment, b/c you aren't sure what to do, right?

Piecing is VERY hard work. You are wanting assurance and see her jump back in, so the M will be good again, etc. She is going through some emotional trials that you may not understand fully. She is addicted to the "feelings" the A gave her. You can read about the scientific facts of PEAs and how it chemically affects the brain. It's as if she's trying to withdraw from drugs.

A woman cannot truly, romantically, love one man at a time. Her brain chemicals was telling her she loved OM, so that meant she couldn't have sexual/romantic loving feelings for two men at once. (She could have sex with two, but "loving feelings" for only one.) She has not had time for her brain to readjust from the A. She has to get the OM completely out of head before she has room for you. Her emotions have been use to running the show, and you are making it harder for her to not contact OM b/c you are putting pressure on her to show you sexual attention/affection. She cannot do it from her heart! Maybe some women are sexually high drive enough they want just the sex itself, but many women cannot bring themselves to submit to the H's advances b/c it actually turns her off. (Sorry for the harshness.)

It took me about six months of withdrawals, four of which were hard withdrawal symptoms. Then months of depression followed. I could not put any energy into the M (maybe b/c I was older, IDK.) It took a couple of years before my feelings toward my H started to get better, however, there had been years of problems before the A and everyone is not exactly the same. So, your W's feelings may be restored a lot of faster than mine were. Plus, my H did not have the tools you are getting, and that will make a big difference in how well the piecing goes.

Let me give you an example, and I'm not picking on you by pointing this out. It takes time to get this all sorted and learn it.

I just stood there and did not react. I had planned for not sleeping in the same room as her tonight and told the kids they could sleep in our room tonight. I knew it would mean there wouldn't be enough room for both of us. I gave the kids a kiss good night and walked out of the room. I think I caught a look of surprise on her face before I closed the door.

Okay, so the two of you had an argument and giving the cold shoulder. How's that working out? When you are in the stage of piecing together the M, you can't be doing this type of stuff (silent treatment, sleeping in separate beds, etc.)b/c that is not bringing the two of you closer. It is actually spreading you apart.

Can you now look at what you said and realize the wrong moves? If she were still contacting OM, then yes, that would have been the way to go. But you are trying to work together to save the M. How can you give her emotional support if you aren't talking (after she made the first and second move toward you, and then you continue your silent treatment and sleep in another room?

I understand how you need emotional support also. I can only tell you from her perspective that she is not strong enough to carry this through without your total support. We women look to our men to be stronger than we are. Especially our H. It's when they show us they are weaker than we are that we lose our attraction/respect for them. When women feel their weakest, we will turn to that person who offers us emotional support. Who will your W turn to, if you aren't there for her?

My advice is to apologize for going to bed before trying to get things right. You don't have to apologize for everything in the past, just in how you reacted yesterday. Tell her you still struggle at times but know that style of reaction is not the road to take. Don't act like a doormat about it, just make sure you identify yesterday's reaction.

Do not smother her with your presence, which I don't see that you are at the moment.

Do spend quality time and give her individual attention (apart from the kids).

Do show you are interested in her day, her opinions, etc.

Do try to have "meaningful" conversation with her (but not about the relationship). If she talks about the R, just listen and don't try to shut her down unless she gets out of control.

Do continue to have time for yourself and GAL. Continue to be an interesting person to her.

Work on your ability to attract her (you did it once, right?).

Things came to a head last night. While she had her affair I built a deck on our house myself around our new hot tub. I've asked her to join me in the hot tub so we could spend time together just relaxing. She repeatedly refuses.

To me, a hot tub is rather intimate when it's just the two of you. If you've been kind of pushy about affection, she could have seen it as an uncomfortable place to be.

I told her last night that it felt like a slap in the face knowing she was cheating on me the entire time I was busting my back building the deck and even sending the OM pictures of my progress and talking about what she wanted to do with the deck.

So you slapped her back.

W blew up and said we were supposed to schedule time to talk about this stuff and she was furious that I would just throw something like this in her face.

She's right. Look, if she has met the terms of your conditions about the R, then why are you all up in arms about it? Is she still contacting OM? Have I misunderstood something in your post? Are you expecting too much too soon?

She hasn't said "sorry" much if I don't ask her how she feels about what she did.

How much does she need to say she's sorry? Why are you asking her how she feels about what she's done? Has she appeared remorseful when she says she's sorry?

When we were talking I asked if we could talk about what the problems were that led to her affair. She stated "I don't know why you can't just accept this, but I'm not attracted to you anymore."

Well, she pretty much told you, right there. She could be trying to not say too much to hurt you even more. Or, she may be concerned you wouldn't let something drop. However, generally speaking, a WW had rather not discuss what led to the A...when it's one on one with her H. (I do think the problems need to be resolved, however.) She may not be ready or feels pressured by you. She may think it won't do any good, IDK. I'm just saying it doesn't always mean she is being uncooperative or stubborn, the way you may see her. To me, it sounds as if she wants to discuss these things only under the supervision of the therapist.

I said this was something common in long term relationships and usually has to do with something other than physical attraction and that if she wanted to make a change she could.

Again, you are placing pressure on her that she's not ready to do. It's just not that easy for her to make that change b/c she wants to. She doesn't want to right now. Get it? Her emotions are still to fragile and confused.

She doesn't see it the way you do. For her, it is all tied into attraction. Every problem can probably be connected in some way to her loss of attraction for you.....or either your actions caused the loss over time. Her view of attraction is not the same as how you see it. For women, there are other things beside just the physical that attracts us to a man, but all together those things affect our physical attraction to him.... b/c of how women are wired.

Considering she is just coming out of an A, and there are still unresolved issues, she isn't attracted to you. As long as there is attraction, a woman can put up with a lot from her guy. He doesn't have to look like Brad Pitt, as long as the chemistry is working for her. The actions of the man draws the attraction (or lack of attraction) from the woman!

Men would be wise to remember that women were created to be responders. Our attraction monitor is attached to how we view and respect that man. So men, if your woman isn't responding like you want, better look at your actions.

I do agree that with couples in long marriages their passion can dwindle from where it was when first married. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that is how you were meaning what you said to your W about long term R's and the physical attraction. But she is hearing you tell her not to expect any more feelings of that love rushing in, like she felt with OM. She is hearing you tell her that she has to "settle" for you (the old H in the long term M). What's worse, she's hearing you tell her that she could fix this if she wanted to. Oh......not good to tell a former WW things like that.^

I think it's over, but we already have tickets to go to Hawaii.

It's not over! You had a back-set. You are the one threatening to file for a D. Get it straighten out today. Keep those tickets!

I'm trying to make things as nice as I can for the kids and focus on me

That's what you would do if your spouse is wanting a D. Has she said she wants a D? Did I miss something in your thread?