I love Wonka's reply, with one exception. I don't like the "I don't want divorce but won't stop you" sentence. That has been said many times in many ways already. I don't think you have to agree that divorce is best, but I might say something else myself.
For me, the words that come to mind are:
"I agree this is a necessary step, I certainly don't want to remain legally tied to someone that isn't interested in a committed partnership with me."
I do not consider myself a vet ... but I feel the urge to chime in here. ^^^^^ That while I will not say its 'wrong' I just do not feel that if one is standing for the M they would ever 'agree' to D as a 'necessary' step. I always held firm to the "I do not want a D, but I respect you and your choice" with the undertone that if she wants to D its all on her. I was never going to 'agree' because ... well I never did. Sure I would have signed the papers once served and the D would have processed through ... but till my dying day no one .. especially my W could have ever said I wanted D.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I don't know. Just my initial thoughts. I feel like you're creating some boundaries (I am not here unconditionally, I am here on the condition you commit to the M), some value (I am not desperate, I deserve a committed relationship), and a sprinkle of truth darts (she is breaking her vows and that is eliminating her from being someone you want to be involved with emotionally or legally).
Is that why you are in the M? On the condition she commits? I get the I am not desperate and one deserves better. But that statement is controlling to me, its a 'commit like I have and everything will be all better' type message. its obvious the WAS has broken their vows, that is a given and one they must own themselves. Truth darts in my opinion are better served in response to untruths the WAS projects. Like when my W tried to tell me it was not an A because we were separated my truth dart was along the lines of "Ok so in my next M, I can go out with the boys and have a few drinks, get housed, call up my W and inform her we are separated just prior to bedding the hot little waitress .... I had no idea that loophole existed in M till now thank you for pointing this out" Granted I laced it with sarcasm but the dart was there.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Vets, if this is too controlling, accusational, manipulative- I'm open to that feedback. But I could feel ok about sending that message. So I'm asking for feedback almost as much for myself as for PP here.
Its a fine line, but I found when I started detaching a bit, looking at my W like a science project and staying out of it emotionally it was a touch easier. Tossing the accusations, trying to control the situation was really counter productive and just futile ... really took more energy than I was willing to give as there really was no return that would ever come of it.
I also learned it really irked me when W would be totally void of emotion, like our 24 years was now just a business deal .... then I discovered she in fact hated it just as much when I did the same thing. So the "I dont want D but I respect your wishes" line simply states your intentions/desires .... and puts that ball firmly back in their lap as if you are saying "I am and always have been committed to you and our M, if you want to toss that all away ... that's ALL on you ... I will still sleep like a baby guilt free knowing I did all I could to this point"
