Wife left with kids yesterday...

[Painter]

I think you could benefit from re-reading this thread, because you're getting a lot of input that it seems you may have missed out on, based on what you are asking in your posts.

It looks like you have some trouble separating your children from your W, and that you accept her taking them from you and being the gatekeeper. They have not left you, and they didn't want to. What she said about earning the children back, sounds to me as if it was really just about her, but she also has trouble separating herself from them, it seems.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? Do you know anything about your rights and the children's rights in your area?

If she is willing to go to counseling, that's great - it shows she has not given up. Several things indicate that she has not given up, I think. Have you looked for a DB counselor in your area?

You will need to listen very carefully, be patient, validate her on her feelings (not on her actions or withholding the children, right now she's using them as pawns) even when you feel she's wrong or unfair. Validating doesn't mean agreeing, it just means accepting she feels differently than you.

You're going to need patience, compassion and more patience. The urge to make a decision or make up your mind about the situation is to stop the pain. If you want to recreate your marriage, you'll need to live with the pain for a while.

[Strongr]

I am getting a lawyer. I wanted to avoid this and not get ugly.

I will reread the posts.

Painter, please elaborate on this:

It looks like you have some trouble separating your children from your W, and that you accept her taking them from you and being the gatekeeper. They have not left you, and they didn't want to. What she said about earning the children back, sounds to me as if it was really just about her, but she also has trouble separating herself from them, it seems.

I will look into Counseling. How do i find a DB Counselor in my area?

I know she wanted to space and she can have all she wants. I will
focus on my boys and me for sure.

It's a lonely walk down this scary road and it hurts bad.

I do want to create the marriage, but I always want a better me.

Please feel free to give any and all advise to me so I can stay the course.

[Strongr]

This is the letter I sent my wife a while ago after she left, before I started DB'ing.

Dear W,

I’ve been getting help from a Counselor who specializes in teaching men to understand women, and I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I am really horrified to realize the depth of the pain I have caused you throughout our relationship. You gave it your all and hung in there for a very long time. Your decision to leave was not a spur of the moment one either… you’re just desperate to emotionally survive. Now that I see how devastated you are, I can’t believe what I did to you and how I made you feel. I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into me before I wounded you as I did.

As much as I want us together, my intention with this letter is not to change your mind about anything. My hopes are just to say some things that will help heal your heart. You have been hurt deeply and deserve a lot of understanding right now.

When you decided to live with me, it was because you believed I would make you feel cherished for the rest of your life. You were sure your heart would be safe with me, so you gave it to me, but after a while, I left you feeling neglected, insignificant, and alone. I was obsessed with my big dreams and was gone too many hours with little to show. I did whatever I wanted and gave little thought to what you wanted or needed. Every day you took care of the kids and made dinner for us, and I would let you do it all by yourself while I drank my beer and watched sports until it was time for bed. And when you asked for help, you would be ignored. You trusted me with your heart, but I allowed alcohol and self-centeredness to cloud my thinking. The man you thought was safe turned out to be a threat to your self-esteem and security. How awful that must have been for you – the very man you entrusted your life to, left you feeling like a concubine or a maid.

W, you are an amazing woman who deserves to be cherished, but you were made to feel so unimportant. You need to know that the man you are with sees your heart and treats it tenderly, and isn’t critical of you. How unloved you have felt with so little affection and affirmation. My counselor has helped me, and for the first time I feel like I see you for who you are. I can only regret all my missed opportunities to treat you like a treasure. It is no surprise you want to keep your heart from someone who has shown himself to be so unsafe. I should have kept my promise and married you 10 years ago.

As I look back throughout our relationship I realize now that all those time you tried to share your heart with me I would respond like you were attacking me or starting an argument with me. What an idiot I was. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. You made yourself vulnerable every time you tried to talk to me. You were revealing your concerns and worry to me, the man you trusted your heart and life with. You were afraid and tired many times carrying the load of our home and family by yourself. You were afraid for our future as a couple and you felt for the well-being and stability of our boys. You took the chance, the risk, and bared yourself to me over and over again until you finally couldn’t bear the pain anymore. How awful that must have been for you. Please know this, no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always try to be safe with your heart.


If I were a good friend of yours listening to what you had gone through in your relationship, I would wrap you up in my arms and offer you the comfort you deserve. I would want to shake (MY NAME) and yell at him to wake up and stop treating you the way he does.

Well W, my eyes have been opened by my Counselor’s shaking and the reality of our situation. I know that I haven’t been safe in the past, but I want you to know that I am safe now. Please know that if you ever need someone to listen to your heart and share your pain with, I’m here for you.

Wishing you healing,

H

[Azzork]

Thanks for sharing, fdu. Not going to critique since what's sent is sent.

But I want to give you my thoughts going forward. There are a lot of sentences in there describing how you think she feels. I would advise you to try to stop putting words in her mouth. You may think you understand what she's feeling, but it's best to talk more about you and what you think/feel. Instead of "how unloved you must have felt" you can say things like "I didn't show you how I loved you properly". I'm not great at it, but you want to validate her feelings, not dictate them.

[Maximus]

HI Sandy,

Could do with some help please to understand my wife? I tried a variation of the ultimate loss (variation because I cannot call her a real WW or WAS) but it did shake her to the core. Last update today was it was my Bday on Sunday and today she gave me a bracelet she had ordered. I said thanks and gave it back as I have never used bracelets in a long time even though it looked nice. I know it may sound callous but she has a history of making me return presents even when my son was younger standing there watching his mother open the present to pull a face and said she didnt want it because she never uses it or doesnt like it or it was too expensive and make me return it. So much so she took the ilusion of giving presents in the house away from us. we on the other hand do the polite thing, thanks and treasure it. This is not a revenge tactic but at this moment I really do not have the time, patience or mood to be correct. Just real.

After viewing your posts I think you know much better than me what goes through a woman's mind... I dont

Thanks

[Strongr]

I have looked up and down my Posts to see if I can go to Marriage Counseling with my wife, but can't find the answer posted.

If so, what kind of MC is recommended?

[Strongr]

I also want to know if it is ok to speak to her about the kids and schedule since school is coming up. I guess detach from her and just set things up for the boys and me in terms of time and dates.

and if there are issues that she brings up like can't stay over night cause she has issue with me, is it all right to find out what her issue are and what would make her comfortable?

[Azzork]

I think if both people aren't committed to the M, MC is a waste of time and money. Nothing you could say there will change her mind.

As for your other question, why WOULDNT you talk to her about the kids' schedules?

[Strongr]

I don't know where she is at with getting back, but I know that she is trying hard to be strong and go with her plan. I need to do it to know.

I want to know her grips and take it from there to grow. Is this ok?

[Painter]

I am getting a lawyer. I wanted to avoid this and not get ugly.

Getting a lawyer does not mean it has to get ugly. You can schedule an appointment with one or more to get some basic information about what your rights are, and hear which strategies are available to you. It would be very hard for you to be insistent on getting time with your children if you don't know your legal rights. Did I understand it correctly from the letter you wrote her that you are not legally married?

Painter, please elaborate on this:

It looks like you have some trouble separating your children from your W, and that you accept her taking them from you and being the gatekeeper. They have not left you, and they didn't want to. What she said about earning the children back, sounds to me as if it was really just about her, but she also has trouble separating herself from them, it seems.

It sounds like it to me, from what you write - that you seemed to think you should detach from your children because they are with her - and on her end, her claims that you have to prove something to her and respect her to get to spend time with your own children.

I will look into Counseling. How do i find a DB Counselor in my area?

I would google, but I don't know if there's a place on Michele's main website to locate a counselor?

It's a lonely walk down this scary road and it hurts bad.

It is, but there's a lot of us here to help you feel a little less alone.