Wife left with kids yesterday...

[Strongr]

This is the letter I sent my wife a while ago after she left, before I started DB'ing.

Dear W,

I’ve been getting help from a Counselor who specializes in teaching men to understand women, and I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a baseball bat. I am really horrified to realize the depth of the pain I have caused you throughout our relationship. You gave it your all and hung in there for a very long time. Your decision to leave was not a spur of the moment one either… you’re just desperate to emotionally survive. Now that I see how devastated you are, I can’t believe what I did to you and how I made you feel. I wish I could go back in time and knock some sense into me before I wounded you as I did.

As much as I want us together, my intention with this letter is not to change your mind about anything. My hopes are just to say some things that will help heal your heart. You have been hurt deeply and deserve a lot of understanding right now.

When you decided to live with me, it was because you believed I would make you feel cherished for the rest of your life. You were sure your heart would be safe with me, so you gave it to me, but after a while, I left you feeling neglected, insignificant, and alone. I was obsessed with my big dreams and was gone too many hours with little to show. I did whatever I wanted and gave little thought to what you wanted or needed. Every day you took care of the kids and made dinner for us, and I would let you do it all by yourself while I drank my beer and watched sports until it was time for bed. And when you asked for help, you would be ignored. You trusted me with your heart, but I allowed alcohol and self-centeredness to cloud my thinking. The man you thought was safe turned out to be a threat to your self-esteem and security. How awful that must have been for you – the very man you entrusted your life to, left you feeling like a concubine or a maid.

W, you are an amazing woman who deserves to be cherished, but you were made to feel so unimportant. You need to know that the man you are with sees your heart and treats it tenderly, and isn’t critical of you. How unloved you have felt with so little affection and affirmation. My counselor has helped me, and for the first time I feel like I see you for who you are. I can only regret all my missed opportunities to treat you like a treasure. It is no surprise you want to keep your heart from someone who has shown himself to be so unsafe. I should have kept my promise and married you 10 years ago.

As I look back throughout our relationship I realize now that all those time you tried to share your heart with me I would respond like you were attacking me or starting an argument with me. What an idiot I was. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. You made yourself vulnerable every time you tried to talk to me. You were revealing your concerns and worry to me, the man you trusted your heart and life with. You were afraid and tired many times carrying the load of our home and family by yourself. You were afraid for our future as a couple and you felt for the well-being and stability of our boys. You took the chance, the risk, and bared yourself to me over and over again until you finally couldn’t bear the pain anymore. How awful that must have been for you. Please know this, no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always try to be safe with your heart.


If I were a good friend of yours listening to what you had gone through in your relationship, I would wrap you up in my arms and offer you the comfort you deserve. I would want to shake (MY NAME) and yell at him to wake up and stop treating you the way he does.

Well W, my eyes have been opened by my Counselor’s shaking and the reality of our situation. I know that I haven’t been safe in the past, but I want you to know that I am safe now. Please know that if you ever need someone to listen to your heart and share your pain with, I’m here for you.

Wishing you healing,

H