Who sets the appointments for things, telephones docs etc?
Is there an agreed list of who does which task? Ie I"I will always do X"or I will do C if you do B?
Who is better at paperwork? Who has the insurance contact?
Which tasks could you trust WW to do?
Who is your S most at ease with when dealing with the doctor?
Can this be reduced to a task list rather than a request or order list?
At the end of it all you are doing this for your wonderful S, can you see it as participating in his young life rather than WW ordering you. That is you choose it, and that WW expressing it this way is like the "jobs worth" who won't let you do something rational. If this is a boundary issue, then how could you express it and what would be the consequences of a breach? Could you enforce the consequences or do you need to take the high road and use the bucket called 'done for love of S'?
Reframe it so that the more you do the more of the essentials of your engaging S you are involved in, and thus the more love you are devoting to S and his health? Kids who are special often have a glow and naivety which is delightful at your S age. My orange wed GAL pal has a little grandson of 5 (nearly 6 you know) who is special and I borrowed him to see Minions with popcorn.........
You are clearly a wonderful caring and enlightened mum to your kids. I got enormous pleasure and warmth from your posts recently especially re your fun calm holiday. My cup was full of the strong love you have for them and they for you. I am shedding a joyous tear now.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/06/1502:29 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Ep0 and Vanila for the words of support. They mean more than I could possibly convey.
My goal is to be polite and non confrontational even if that means I take the "hit" personally or don't like it.
I am visualizing my W's motives coming from a place of love even though I don't agree with her behavior choices or actions.
I too am trying to come from a place of love and acceptance but I really do hate being taken for a ride. I guess I have to work on that issue myself, it's my issue, not hers. As long as it doesn't emotionally or physically hurt me, I can do it.
How does that sound? Am I in the ballpark of doing this correctly?
Yes, I think you are moving in the right direction! Some of the vets may disagree with me, but that's my honest opinion. Keep trying to come from a place of love and acceptance.
Your children must love you so much. You are a terrific Mom and nobody can ever take that away from you.
I know you'll be fine, Heavy. Please hang in there and don't give up.
{{Heavy}}
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Reading you a bit ... times like this ... I relate and maybe this will shed some light on something... or maybe I am talking out of my arse
This issue, crisis, whatever you want to call it is very taxing, demanding ... I feel at times its like being in a fight where the opponent has no rules .. they can kick, bite, pull hair .. what ever they want and we have to play nice, be fair, turn the other cheek. There are times when ... well .. enough is enough and even the slightest thing irks us, makes us ask .. "when will this stop, when do I get MY way for a change, Why do they get to have it all with no consequences" ... so sometimes even on the smallest things we want to draw a line in the sand and say "Enough .. NO I will not let you win today"
Times like this ... this place helps, I have been talked down off the ledge a few times .. then had to look at where I was, take a breathe and think ... is this really about X ... or is there something deep inside of me tugging for attention to be dealt with ... usually it was the later. For me ... I was sick of W having her way while wrecking my life, but diggin further I realized I had a hurt little boy who really had to be dealt with ... the betrayal, abandonment .. all that ... its tough Heavy ... but take a step back and think about things ... maybe it is just the extra night and the birthday party ... just make sure its not something else getting a rise out of you.
W wants to handle all the arrangments for the S birthday - great. That's one less than I have to stress over. I will not interfere.
Previously I bent over backwards doing what I thought would make her happier and less stressed at these events. For example she would flip out if I did not record everyone's name on a sheet with their gift for thank you cards. She wanted a photo with each gift and the birthday kid. It was always a stressor for me and I am sure it must have been a stressor for her. If something went wrong, it was "my fault". Now I don't have to worry about that. So, that's a plus right?
My plan is to be gracious, and polite and ensure S9 and D6 have a great stress free time.
Now that I review it, all kids events were very stressful for me based on W's unspoken expectations. If there was an art show, I was supposed to have taken all the photos with the artwork and load everything in the car. If it was a play date and kids came to our house to play, they had to have an activity like a painting session or a cooking class. My idea of a play date was to let the kids come over and just play. I would feed them lunch and snacks but just let them play.
So, very different unsaid expectations about these types of events. So again, it boild down to lack of communication and differences of communication style.
I so hope this birthday is easier. I will have zero expectations.
I admit there is a hurt, scared, betrayed little girl inside. I have been abandoned and discarded like a piece of trash. No, it won't kill me, but it still hurts like he$$ and so that is why I have an IC. That is why I am trying to process all of this, to propel me to a better place. I really do want to be a better person, a better Mom, a better sister, a better everything. I am still teasing out what the "lesson" is for me in all of this crap. What am I supposed to learn?
To be more accepting of myself others To be more patient with myself and others To give up the notion of control To connect with people in a more meaningful way
I don't honestly know the answer, but by God, I pray about, try to stay involved in this life and just let things be. I think that's all any of us can do.
I wanted to thank you for the continued kind posts about my lousy situation. You always manage to see the best in any situation and that is a talent to have and one I hope to develop.
Yes, I do love my kids more than I can say. Yes, I am a very good Mom. I am dissapointed at how some things have turned out but they were out of my control (at least 50%) of them. The rest is in God's hands. He is infinately more skilled than I.
Yeah... the lesson .... I often wondered why I could not have learned it without all this .. without all the fallout and pain form it all .. but I think W needed to learn a few things to, thats between her and Him
Looking back ... I think it all happened just this way for a reason. I have picked up some priceless information, and learned some very valuable lessons .... and I continue to learn.
