New here.

[Pyrite]

hey Little1,

apologies up front - I have only skimmed your thread.

I dont know or expect that I could expand or improve upon V's advice. From my experience though we read and re-read the same advice given to ourselves and others over and over again - and then suddenly, someone phrases it in a particular way, or maybe it is just the umpteenth time that it finally sinks in AND you kick yourself because this is what people have been saying all along.

Posters at BD might commiserate, posters with years under their belt might objectively give you great advice in one sentence that just flies over your head. They all mean well.

I do have a question though, from skimming - L? It doesn't seem fair that your H is financially languishing and leaving his family in the lurch. Aside from the the cake eating V discusses - this is also cake eating. It his prerogative to engage with OW etc, but it absolutely is not fair to do so and leave his family struggling. The law may be screwed up, but the bottom line, the spirit of the law is fairness.

I might be better able to help if you talk to me a bit. Where do you feel you are at now? What is your biggest concern?

I gather you have problems with detaching. I have been through this before with our dear Smothy and I can't claim to be an expert and cure you overnight but I am more than happy to listen and help where I can.

In my case, I didn't want to detach. Even though it was hurting, that pain was all that I had left of my love, my M. I didn't want to give that up. I spent every minute thinking about my W in one way or another. I didn't want "switch off" my love. I didn't want to become a robot.

3 months after BD we were texting about kids and I just lost it and sent an angry text. W threatened intervention order. Reading it again now it was laughable, no where in the league of an IO, but it scared me. I could screw up custody, my life, everything.

So I detached. Forcibly. Very forcibly. For the next two days every time my W came into my head I FORCED myself to think of something else. That in itself is not my point. The point is that after a few days I noticed that it was a)easier to distract myself and b)i was able to recognise much sooner when I started to go down that path of thinking about my W, OM, M, D etc.

I relaxed this forcing, bit by bit, and to my surprise I could function better. BUT the biggest surprise of all was that even though I was "detached" (slightly) I was not a robot. I didn't love my W any less, I actually loved her more. Detaching gave me clarity. Not at all what I expected.

It will also give you a greater clarity to see yourself. what your part is AND what you want it to be.

In skimming I read that you saw your son sleeping and your first thought was for what your H is missing. This is beautiful Little. This is you. This has nothing to do with your H. As I have just said on my thread - all the love I have (and you) is in your mind. Your H can't see this now. That's his loss. End of story. It doesn't change the beauty in your heart. And don't let it.

I suppose the biggest difference between here (DB),other forums and well meaning friends and family is that people here won't tell you that "you are better off without him", "you deserve better", etc. These sentiments can easily lead to and support anger in your heart and anger will hurt you and also any chance you have at R.

One last thing - early on I read a comment on these boards. I can't remember who it was but I always remember the words. Two years after BD, her H lost in A, her "friend" asked why are you still waiting. "I'm not waiting. I'm open to R."

This is where you want to be Little.

Take Care.