I did read the 5 love languages and during our previous discussions she always mentioned about enjoying cooking and cleaning for us and I told her it was something I appreciated her doing. I tried to do some of the housework but she was very protective of it and told me to not carry on.
To your question what I consider a good day it is just a normal day with no arguments maybe go for a walk together the ssdd things a normal marriage does, I even used to go shopping with her because it was time with her. Since things went up [censored] creek she spent hours and hours (still spends a lot now) going to the gym. I imagined it was her way of letting off steam and having her own space. After recent developments I also imagine it was used to spend time with OM but cant confirm it. The way I see it, if you have a nice day, go out with your wife, go to the movies, have a dinner, travel abroad together, etc... how can you come back home and then go back to "you in the spare bedroom and me in the main bedroom". If I just want to giver her a hug because and ask for her hand she puts that "here we go again look" and if I put my hand on her lap while sitting next to her she will not return any form of contact. So with all this in mind I consider myself in a half marriage. I've lived it for years, heard she is not interested in sex or contact with anyone but does this with OM so the way I felt is that i'm being taken for a ride. She will not let our son sleep a day in a spare bedroom if he was going through our situation but doesnt flinch hinting we need more time and not do anything rash as our son needs 1 year.. so 1 more year basically living in the spare bedroom?.
As for the second argument, it wasnt even an argument, it was more like I admitted things were not going ok and we both wanted 2 different things from a relationship. we depend on my income only. I have to face the day to day and she never asks how are things she just concentrates on her sports and going to the gim 5 days a week for about 8 hours a day divided into 2 shifts. I made a real effort that she knew about and didnt say no when I bought her a watch used by runners (300$). The same watch I later saw in one of those pictures. The attitude we had walking and talking about the watch, which model, etc was like any normal couple. That same day I still slept in the spare bedroom and not long after she took a selfie with it on.
Anyway, as to your question.... she said where do we draw the line. I said I would like her to continue doing those things she said she liked so we try and maintain an organized home seeing she doesnt want any contact and I had and have thrown in the towel. Of course I dont want her to be a maid I want her to be my wife but if she wont commit to a full marriage and this is about keeping face for a year then if I am still to be the man of the house then she should continue to be the woman. Especially if she isnt working. Whats more I didnt say I was going to cut off her finances. What I told her was I was taking her off the business account I have. She would still be in the home account where I put money for the general household expenses and what she needs (hairdresser, clothes, etc). What I was and am not going to finance anymore are any extras. If she doesnt want a full marriage I think its unfair to demand from me a full commitment as well. And FYI I do control all finances but she had all cards with freedom to spend as she saw fit. Only change now is no more extras.
Its not a deal I agree, but then its not a deal to say we can act like a normal married couple. You can wine and dine me but all you get is a room mate/housekeeper. I am not interested in sex or contact in general and offer no guarantees as to when or if I will in the future.
Yesterday she was all upset and angry but then posts on whatsapp profile the lines "weve come a long way from where we began" from a song I love, leaves the bedroom door open because I said no matter what I was going to still sleep in OUR bed. I arrived late from gim and continued working and was too tired to see an angry face so slept in the spare bedroom.
She heard me speak with the travel agent about cancelling her ticket for a trip I had organized as part of a busines trip to Rome and straight away came saying if it was really over. Yet when I ask her to tell me her feelings, what she wants.. to come clean she doesnt. She seems unable to say "look i want to make this work so lets roll up our sleeves and get to work" or just say "i dont love you anymore". I just need to know where I stand. That's why I think she is using me. She has no income and only her parents house to go and it does seem a bleak future. But then so does living a sexless, intimateless marriage in a spare bedroom.
My goals right now are concentrating on my job and not making my son aware of these problems and continue the work I have done so far in trying to be the best father I can. Since I told her this I feel a little better each hour and told her I would not be going to her parents bbq next sunday because it seems false and also that during my trip tomorrow I would a NC for those days. I neded to disconnect 100%.
This morning she said to maintain contact with my son (which I had intention to of course) whilst away, we go to the bank to take her name off our accounts (we did) and she was going to move into the spare bedroom (which I told her was a mistake) because it defeated the purpose of hiding this from our son and because the spare bedroom is also my office.
As for 180's, quite straight forward, looking after my physical appearance, going out a bit more (nothing excessive) I never pleaded, begged etc. The contrary, the moment everything exploded I told her to get out of the house, took her key and it was only the intervention from my son and in laws that things cooled down. The only similar thing I did was admit I from my part thought it could work, wanted it to work but it was up to her. I have been waiting and been hopeful only to see this. More of the same like in the past so grew tired.
During the past I had moments of anger and let fly during the period after until the steam blew off and then promised to let go of the past as it was not getting me or us anywhere. Any discussions from that moment were about present issues not past ones. I have tried to be close and treat her well and do those things that women want and when we do it also makes us feel better as at least I feel I am contributing.
Sounds odd but its a bit like Cinderella... you work hard for the marriage, everything seems ok during the day (if we forget contact) but then come night time we are back to reality.
