Crisortunity - A beautiful world with endless possibilities.

[Vanilla]

thanks for the link V - reading it now. its hard too imagine my wife as being so ... what sounds like "cunning". But now that the "spell" is broken I do recognise parts of our history/R that were very odd say the least.

I suspect this is discussed perhaps on your abuse thread but is it possible that her abuse was a subconsciously activated mechanism of protection? This fits somewhat.

Interesting question and I am unsure I know the answer. It's your sitch so for you to decide what's best, I think you are in a space that you can discuss it and evaluate it.

This is what appears clear to me:

Abusers abuse because it gets them what they want. What they want includes getting strokes shoring up considerable insecurity. They maintain their R as that gives them what they need in the world. The high powered church bishop with a family because it does his image well. The golfer with the beautiful W who needs advertising to earn. The president who appears to be a family man and not having sex with that woman. These are clearly managing well in the world.

Those who have High narc scores 24 or more often have abusive childhoods (there are marker scores called ACES for that too!). They need a resource supply to reassure them that they are ok. Many narcs are aware and manage themselves and gradually through awareness bring down their score. We can dislike the abuse without demonising the abuser, healing is a wonderful experience, and those that heal bring great knowledge and gifts to themselves, loved ones and in general.

Abuse is abuse where the abused isn't happy. Some abuse is cultural, some condoned and even if we call something abuse it may not be. If my sitch had been more controlled then I would have tolerated it, but it eventually became intolerable. Arguments aren't abuse and some attributes of abuse, (reactive) arise in arguments, for that time it's abusive. It's managed. Abusers escalate where they feel loss of control, their image will crack in the eyes of others. It appears that It stems insecurity mainly and poor emotional intelligence.

I have also read that it comes from childhood, there are many theories for example FOO (family of origin) issues and it's just that theory. Sexual and physical abuse seem to enhance the problem, one mitigating factor is a minimum of one loving adult in a child's life and it doesn't have to be a parent. I haven't seen any studies on identical twins yet in print where one is disordered and the other isn't although it fascinates detective TV script writers. There is a wonderful TED talk by Nadine Burke Harris examining a key study on adult health issues arising from childhood ACES but it looks at physical health. I haven't found a study I like on mental health yet.

Great IC will help heal childhood issues, those who become aware repair.

I confess to not knowing the full answer to your question, all I can observe is that healing childhood issues and resolving some insecurities brings down abuse and narc scores. Abusers without NPD or ASD are more easily treated too, narcs generally don't present for treatment unless mandated as they usually want to believe they are perfect, accepting treatment damages their ego. A professional may help you answer the question.

I am not sure if that's helpful, it's a tough area to penetrate, and I don't want you to feel my knowledge is complete.

V