Lost, alone, and in pain

[Solo15]

You and I are about the same age, been M for about the same amount of time. This relationship reaches back into your entire adult life. It's impossible to express the pain we are going through. It's like everything we have ever been and done has been for nothing. It's like your heart has grown around her, and for you to pull her out of you is like you are dying. In some ways it is like a death. You probably have never been more attracted to your wife then right now. You probably torture yourself with the missed chances you had to fix it all years ago. Even the fun things in your life can seem hollow and empty. You interactions with your kids sometimes painful.

We move through the stages of grief for what has been lost. I'm sure that there is lots of hope for you and your M, but there is something I read here that really helped me change my focus.

Your marriage is over. That's not to say there cannot be a new one, even with her, but frame it in your mind that way. The more I tried to resolve my issues, to think in terms of how things used to be, to try and get us back to 'normal', the more I drove her away. Your wife does not want your marriage as it was. I tried to act as if this was just a fight. Just something we could work through. We are in denial. When we finally look at it for what it really is, we can actually do the things that could make a new marriage. The DB techniques help us in this way, as they train us to let go of what was, and build something new, independent of our old ways. To establish a new man, who is strong, happy and desirable. Someone that is no longer broken by this, but new and awesome. That is the person that will re attract your spouse. Or someone else. It all starts with attraction. If your wife was mad about you, she would do anything to keep you, to fix what was broken. The only way you can attract her is to free yourself from her. To detach.

In the end, what makes you stay with someone who has treated you like this? Think long and hard about that. We give so much that we lose ourselves. The momentum behind your life makes you want it all to work, and it might, but until you detach, until you let go of it, you can't move forward. The mixed messages she gives you play on your hope. Your deepest desires. It keeps you spinning. You also have probably been starving for her affection for years. You ignored it, you felt it, but you got used to it. It was damaging you all along. Realize that you are really wounded from it. You probably would jump at her slightest touch. Detach. It's going to be a long journey.

My heart goes out to you man, but I know you will ok. Better than ok. Try to reformat your mind to not grieve yet. Grieve when there is nothing left, but now put your energy into the new man you have always wanted to be.

[Solo15]

Oh, also a word of caution as I lived in a similar situation for about 10 months. I always thought that physical affection meant something was behind it, like tenderness of feeling. We learn that early on when we are young men. If a girl is physical with you, it's usually honest and real. The touch came from a genuine place in a young heart that had not been filled with hurt.

I think that men and women are wired a bit different in this way, but it may be true for both. I think that women sometimes are able to disconnect love and physical touch, sex, etc. I think they learn to use it as a tool. I'm not saying this is true in all cases, but when a women is this off center, she can twist you up in knots with physical touch.

I realized far too late that her touch had little meaning, though I thought it meant that things were getting better. I had been dying for it for so long that it was cool water in the desert. My wife used sex as a tool to manipulate me. Sometimes it was just to feel good. Sometimes to keep me attached. I took it as a sign that she was falling for me again, but in reality it just really messed me up. Made me more confused.

My man, be careful if it does come back before your reconcile. Have an idea in your mind of what you would do if she did become physical with you. You are worth more than that. You wouldn't have taken being manipulated before you were married. A strong man will have standards. You deserve to be loved for real.

Sorry for all the posts, but these are some things that really messed me up, and I want you to avoid it if you can. Not that your sitch is the same as mine, but just kick it around in your head a bit.

[sandi2]

I was a W who had an EA. From reading your posts, I am under the impression you are not familiar with what happens to her when she stops the A.

She cannot give you affection at this time. She has to go through her own stuff, which includes withdrawal from the A. Even though you are willing to help her, I think you are expecting too much from her emotionally right now. Don't misunderstand what I'm saying. You are not wrong to feel the way you do! Your conditions are really good. You just have to understand more about her mindset. I have a thread about help for the newcomer LBH with a WW. Cadet listed it on his first post to you. It may help you to read it.





And if you jump in to file a D, then what have you accomplished?

[HurtHus]

I'll reread that Sandi. Thanks for the input!

[HurtHus]

Sandi, great post. I read it a while back, but rereading it with fresh eyes and a new openness really helped.

After last nights blow up we didn't speak this morning before she left for work. She texted me a few times throughout the day asking if I wanted her to order a shirt for me from our crossfit gym, and a few other things. I was very polite, but did not engage other than to answer her questions directly. She texted to say she wanted to go to the gym for a 5:00 class unless I needed her to come home. I said I didn't need her to come home. In fact I took the kids to the in-laws house to swim for a few hours and didn't make it home until after she got there. She called and asked where we were. I said we were on our way home.

I made dinner for the kids and let them eat while I stop in the kitchen with them. I didn't talk to her directly and only said anything to her when she asked me a direct question or said something right to me. At one point she came up to me and looked at me with pleading eyes. I looked back at her directly with no response. She reached out and took my hand in hers. Previously I would have drawn her in for an embrace and comforting. I just stood there and did not react. I had planned for not sleeping in the same room as her tonight and told the kids they could sleep in our room tonight. I knew it would mean there wouldn't be enough room for both of us. I gave the kids a kiss good night and walked out of the room. I think I caught a look of surprise on her face before I closed the door.

We have an 11 1/2 year old English Mastiff. He isn't doing well and will likely not make it another 6 months. She has said she does not want another dog. I have always had a dog since I was 5. I work from home (partly because I have a job that makes remote work easy, partly because it always made our lives easier once we had children, and also partly because I have a health issue that requires monthly in-home infusion therapy for 5 days each month) and know how lonely I will be once he is gone and I am in the house alone. I am adopting another dog against her wishes. If we separate I want a dog, if we stay together I want a dog. I am getting a dog.

I hope I'm not screwing this up, but either way this feels like what is right for me.

[kyrie]

It's a real roller coaster. Mine is back and forth the same way, except less verbal/explicit about wanting to be together. Sigh.
It's painful, and lonely.

[HurtHus]

Kyrie, I am so cynical about her expressed wish to stay together and reconcile. Part of me thinks she just wants to keep me on the leash. I haven't had any sort of physical attention for the last 3 months or so and would drop everything for a genuine connection.

Solo, I was reading your post when the W came home. I was having a really hard time reading it. You hit the nail on the head though about how this feels. My whole being has evolved to include her and the kids. I do feel like I am dying inside, but each day that I die a little more makes it easier to see a bright future for myself with or without her. It is just f'ing scary to think about that or even admit it to myself.

I can't even begin to think about what I would do should she try to be intimate with me. I want so badly for that, but don't know if I could even bring myself to ML at this point. My body on the other hand responds to her every touch and glance like I was a teenage boy. I know what my head thinks, I hate how my heart feels, and am embarrassed by the way my body reacts.

[kyrie]

I totally know about that. No matter how much you'd want it, "desperation sex" [censored] and you never forget it completely. Or at least, that's the case for myself.

I guess you have to be reluctant to believe what she says.
I'm not sure I can agree about what Solo said about women turning off their emotions for sex. I'm sure that's very true of those who have been in affairs but for *most*, normal women... separating emotions/love from that is a terrible, antithetical thing!
But everything else Solo said was great. ;-)

[HurtHus]

Oh and Sandi, My intentions for getting papers prepared is to show my W that I am no longer the doormat I have always been. I have always been the one to do house work, care for the kids, attend all school functions, and do everything to keep the household functioning aside from laundry and paying bills. I have spent 17 years treatintg her like a queen; packing her lunch in the morning, getting fresh flowers at least once a week, ensuring that our kids have everything they need and providing for this family like nobody else.

I'm not sure what drove her to where she is. I know I am not blameless, but until she is ready to come clean and tell me what the underlying issues are (she just says she isn't attracted to me anymore) I can't do anything aside from focus on me.

[HurtHus]

I hate myself a little for even letting her stay in this fight after what she has done. She lied to me for months about her affair and I let myself believe her. Her entire family told me there was an OM. I didn't believe it. I'm so angry with myself for not catching this sooner and not completely removing myself from her immediately.