Lost, alone, and in pain

[HurtHus]

Sandi, great post. I read it a while back, but rereading it with fresh eyes and a new openness really helped.

After last nights blow up we didn't speak this morning before she left for work. She texted me a few times throughout the day asking if I wanted her to order a shirt for me from our crossfit gym, and a few other things. I was very polite, but did not engage other than to answer her questions directly. She texted to say she wanted to go to the gym for a 5:00 class unless I needed her to come home. I said I didn't need her to come home. In fact I took the kids to the in-laws house to swim for a few hours and didn't make it home until after she got there. She called and asked where we were. I said we were on our way home.

I made dinner for the kids and let them eat while I stop in the kitchen with them. I didn't talk to her directly and only said anything to her when she asked me a direct question or said something right to me. At one point she came up to me and looked at me with pleading eyes. I looked back at her directly with no response. She reached out and took my hand in hers. Previously I would have drawn her in for an embrace and comforting. I just stood there and did not react. I had planned for not sleeping in the same room as her tonight and told the kids they could sleep in our room tonight. I knew it would mean there wouldn't be enough room for both of us. I gave the kids a kiss good night and walked out of the room. I think I caught a look of surprise on her face before I closed the door.

We have an 11 1/2 year old English Mastiff. He isn't doing well and will likely not make it another 6 months. She has said she does not want another dog. I have always had a dog since I was 5. I work from home (partly because I have a job that makes remote work easy, partly because it always made our lives easier once we had children, and also partly because I have a health issue that requires monthly in-home infusion therapy for 5 days each month) and know how lonely I will be once he is gone and I am in the house alone. I am adopting another dog against her wishes. If we separate I want a dog, if we stay together I want a dog. I am getting a dog.

I hope I'm not screwing this up, but either way this feels like what is right for me.