Progress... I don't even know what that is anymore.
I am taking it to mean that I am stronger, more capable and more independant than I was 10 months ago. 10 months ago I was a basket case. Now, I can just be me and I am OK with that.
I have no idea what W is up to. I don't ask kids about her, whatever they tell me, I just say, "that's nice" and move onto another subject. They did tell me she ran into a pole and screwed her car up and I laughed a lot, I saw the car.
The spews have stopped. The anger seems to have dissapated. I have removed myself completely from the situation and it feels... well peaceful. I hae a full plate at work and school is getting ready to start.
Maybe that is what "progress" is all about. Progress as in moving futher along with loving detachment. I am getting there.
This sounds like the deepest and truest meaning of progress I have ever heard Heavy. Stronger, more capable, and more independent sound like qualities people are willing to pay for with blood.
To me you sound like someone who's lost 50 pounds, the only issue is that you haven't noticed yet because you see yourself in the mirror every day. Then a relative comes to visit and they don't even recognize you at the airport! You've come a long way Heavy, all of us DB "sophomores" have.
Divorce Busting is also a great name in my opinion. All you have to do is look at people in our situations who aren't DB'ing. They aren't busting their divorces, they are getting their lives decimated by their divorces. Divorces are going to happen, and they're going to happen to some of us no matter how hard we work. The only difference I see is that at the end, the DB'ers are going to walk away with a graduate degree in self growth, self acceptance, self development, communication skills (thank you Wonka), and relationship knowledge.
We'll walk away having gotten support from people that are in the exact same spot we are and know the reality of our situations, not the "she didn't love you at your worst, so she doesn't deserve you at your best" crowd. The kind of support on the DB board is healing. Really healing, not just ego gratifying.
I'll take that over walking away bitter, angry, intoxicated, and harboring ill will for the rest of my life. Any day.
Big hug to you,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
So hee's the thing - W has still refused to show any remorse for A - none. I don't know that after time she will ever admit to any feeling (s) of remorse. She did say once many months ago, it was a chitty thing to do and I will just to have to live with that. So that will probably be the closest thing I will ever get.
I guess in the final analysis it just does not matter. It does not matter to her and that says it all.
Just read your post on my thread. Thank you. What a nice post about acceptance and growth. Yes, I supposed I don't see it because I see myself every day in the mirror.
I am not looking for any changes, but I can feel them in a strange subtle ways. The silly things like going to the store and being able to shop for a meal and cook it for the family feels good. The ability to get my chit together and work and crush it, that feels good too. The ability to surrender the outcome to God which is a huge relief. I don't have to control the world or my W or my situation. I can influence, but not control any of it.
And the ability to humbly accept the advice that I have been so abundantly given here so freely on this board.
What I have learned is this:
Patience, real patience is required
The ability to listen, really really listen is required - also known as STFU
The ability to grow stronger, push past the pain points
The ability to let go of the situation
The ability to keep moving forward
The ability to be GRATEFUL for small and large blessings
The ability to accept help from others
The ability to give help to others if they ask for it
The ability to stand firm with your belief systems
I'd say those are worth their weight in gold Heavy. You have a long life ahead of you and little ones that are going to learn directly from you. What you've learned, they're also learning.
What a blessing this all can be, despite the pain, anguish, and heart break.
My friend asked me two weeks ago what I would be doing if I was still back in my M of old. I told him I'd most likely be getting high, drinking, be trying to find a way to make my business into something that it's not but failing because I'm too afraid to speak up for myself or walk away from it, be happy on the surface and dead below it, but still married.
He asked what my life is like now. It's the opposite of above, although it's got more loneliness in it, there was loneliness before just of a different flavor. I'd never go back to my old M. Never. You could put a gun to my head and I wouldn't go back. Doesn't mean I don't miss the most fascinating woman on earth, and the most beautiful, but I could never go back to that life.
Congrats on all of your success, I follow your stitch, I know how hard you're working at all of this and how difficult your path has been.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
You can always build a new life, a new marriage,from the old one. I know that is such a cliche. But it is true. You just have to both want it. Time will tell .
I wish you only the best P. You seem like such a kind and caring and wise man.
So hee's the thing - W has still refused to show any remorse for A - none. I don't know that after time she will ever admit to any feeling (s) of remorse. She did say once many months ago, it was a chitty thing to do and I will just to have to live with that. So that will probably be the closest thing I will ever get.
I guess in the final analysis it just does not matter. It does not matter to her and that says it all.
Heavy ... she won't .... not while she is knee deep in it. Remember its a drug, and like a drug that rush is currently filling the spaces where other feelings might try. The rush is very strong and nothing else can compete with it at the moment.
Mine never felt remorse during the A either ... was only after it all imploded, when she was left alone with her thoughts, and a reality of what her life was about to become. Even then ... even after she wanted to work on us ... it took months for me to see any remorse.
Thing is .. do not get hung up on that .. its her and her feelings right? Can't control it so nothing good for you will come from it.
It is so frustrating but I am sure you know that all too well.
I have backed completely off, don't contact her, only reply to her texts when they deal with the kids in a polite and business like manner.
I am doing my thing, feeling more comfortable in my own skin and again feeling better now that I know I can take care of myself and my kids solo. I honestly felt that I was unable to do that but experience is a good teacher. My W said I was unable to "make it on my own" and "I have been carrying you a long time". Ouch. Each with the implication that I am nothing without her. So, booyah to that.
Again, I am so very happy for you and your continued upwards trajectory. You and your family are such a success story. Kudos.
Onwards
Thank you for your comments on my thread. It's always good to hear from you.
So W texted me this morning "Can I keep the kids 1 more night this week for a church activity" This is her week.
After a few hours I answered her text "OK - the following week (my week) can I have them 1 more night too?"
Her reply "You had them this past weekend"
Argghhh
In my mind she asked for an extra day, I said OK thinking I was being flexible and cooperative.
Her reply when I asked for an extra day during my week was no.
?????!!!!
So now of course I feel like saying "no, sorry you can't have them for the extra day" Of course I am not going to say that but how do I get out of this one? A day trade is a day trade? I don't get it. Am I missing something here?
My suggested response is thus
"W, I agreed to an extra day during your week, becuase you asked. Plesae grant me the same courtesy. I will drop them off on XX" Thank you."
