Been reading up on you and could not post the past day or so.
Yeah buddy ... you really get yourself spinning don't ya? I hope you get where I am coming from, not trying to bash you not attack, but just reading you .... its dripping with emotion.
What do you really want out of all this BE?
What are you willing to do?
I ask because the answers to those 2 questions really are the foundation on how to figure out a plan to get you there ... REGARDLESS of your W and your M at this point because you have to realize that old M and that old W are not an option for you right now .. .I know that stings like a B but its the truth and the quicker you figure out YOU ... the quicker you can start doing things to improve YOUR situation.
Start figuring out who you want BEC 2.0 to be ... because that insecure, controlling stalker BEC 1.0 needs to be reprogrammed with a quickness, I do hope you see that ... start small ... all changes are not over night and its good to start small.
The first change I did while working on Cali 2.0 ... very first change. I made my bed every morning, stupid and small change that impacted no one but me. But I did it ... while I did it I reminded myself of who I was working at becoming .. EVERY DAMN DAY first thing in the morning. Over time, more changes, more reminders ... long uphill walk but I did it and continue to do it.
I know you aren't bashing Cali. Like Job said, I know that you all are not the enemy and are on my side.
Man I tell you, I don't even recognize MYSELF with some of these behaviors. If I had to self analyze I would say that it is a combination of time eating away at me, fear and desperation.
To answer your two specific question:
What I want overall is my family back. I want my Wife to love me again. I know that I still have alot of growth left to do. ALOT. But I have grown quite a bit in the last 9 months. My depression is gone. I have become a great and involved father. But there is still so much more I need to work on and get to. I know this because in spite of these genuine changes, it is too little too late (for now) so far as my wife is concerned. So the part of growth that I have a long way to go in achieving in acceptance. I am having a tremendous amount of difficulty accepting that I cannot fix this. Not on my own at least.
What I want for myself is to find y sense of self again. To be grounded again. I really am a good, kind and loving person. But I am a very emotional dude (which is very obvious). I want to feel and know that I am going to be ok no matter what happens (even though what I ultimately want is my Wife back).
