Hello

[714Dad]

[this is all whine, so skip it if you want, just the feels coming out].

i just can't. she is the love of my life and everything i ever wanted and i just drove her away.

my D3 said yesterday "but mom's never coming back here, that's sad." after i said that 'my' house was still their home too.

i find photos of her with my girls in the photobooth program on the computer and she's the most beautiful woman in the world. why didn't i tell her all the time. not just in the past year? i always thought it, from the moment she woke up with her hair messed up and eyes puffy. i always loved how she looked. i never once said she didn't look good. i just didn't say she was beautiful enough. ever.

she was smart, funny, loyal, honest, a great cook, a great mother, and a great friend, an selfless lover, and just amazing. and i just smothered her and was stubborn and mean. i let her cry in the bathroom alone a few years back, several times. i could have opened the door and given her a hug, made a joke, told her i loved her. anything.

i felt for a long time like i didn't deserve her, even when i was mad at her, and now i just feel it even more. and so if i'm not around maybe she will finally be happy. i just want to go for a walk and hold her hand and be 18 again and do it all over.

i hate it when these feelings come and i can't seem to control them. i want to detach and be okay with this - but i had never ever thought it would happen and so i have no way to cope with it. it is slowly getting better but it's still so raw and so horrible feeling. and the waves come in and

just crush me so often.

i just keep thinking i'll wake up and this will be some alternate reality. i don't want to think that, but it almost feels involuntary.

maybe maybe maybe i just keep thinking.

i hate memories. i hate hindsight. i hate it.