Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Dys, I am glad you are in a good place with your past addictions. Have you done anything good for yourself today? You are in the early stages of this, it is probably going to take a long time to figure out what is going on with her, she might not even know. In the meantime you need to take care of yourself. Start with the small things- get some exercise, eat a healthy meal, talk to a friend. This is hard, I know. Nobody has the answers, but until things become clearer you need to take care of you. Keep reading. Keep posting. Hang in there.
I've been trying so hard to stay busy. I never really tried it before but it actually helps. I think I went 20 minutes without thinking about her! That's a record for me.
I've been lifting weights, cleaning the garage, my truck, my diet has changed completely. I ate very, very bad. Half a gallon of chocolate milk a night and like 3-4 Watchamacalits (candy bars) and countless sodas. Since this happened I've had 2 sodas, no candy bars or chocolate milk, LOADS of water (which I never drank before) and plenty of stuff to keep my mind busy, but no video games!
It's still very hard. She hasn't contacted me in over 24hrs and after the last time we talked, I acted so desperate and didn't give her space. I'm going dark for now.
Going dark in and of itself won't really do anything. It's not like you fall off the face of the earth for a month and she comes running back. The key is that by going dark, you allow yourself the space to learn, grow, change, and also to not go backwards. If you just stop communicating for a week but don't really do anything, then you won't really see any change in your dynamics.
One other thing that I learned which is really key. There is NOT A SINGLE thing you can say to your W right now to change her mind. You can't convince her to stay. Your only choice is to REATTRACT her. So before you act desperate to her or talk about things, think to yourself "is this something that would attract Mrs. dys to me?" "Do women like this kind of behavior In their man?"
Going dark in and of itself won't really do anything. It's not like you fall off the face of the earth for a month and she comes running back. The key is that by going dark, you allow yourself the space to learn, grow, change, and also to not go backwards. If you just stop communicating for a week but don't really do anything, then you won't really see any change in your dynamics.
One other thing that I learned which is really key. There is NOT A SINGLE thing you can say to your W right now to change her mind. You can't convince her to stay. Your only choice is to REATTRACT her. So before you act desperate to her or talk about things, think to yourself "is this something that would attract Mrs. dys to me?" "Do women like this kind of behavior In their man?"
You're absolutely right. I'm not going dark just to go dark. A small part of it, I'll admit, is to get her thinking about me, what I'm doing, etc. But my main focus is just what you said, to work on me. I have a lot of work to do and I know it will take time. I will become the me that only a fool would leave.
I'm just scared that during that time, she'll move on. 9 years and she can just flick it off like a switch. It's hard to wrap my head around. I worshiped her.
Going dark in and of itself won't really do anything. It's not like you fall off the face of the earth for a month and she comes running back. The key is that by going dark, you allow yourself the space to learn, grow, change, and also to not go backwards. If you just stop communicating for a week but don't really do anything, then you won't really see any change in your dynamics.
One other thing that I learned which is really key. There is NOT A SINGLE thing you can say to your W right now to change her mind. You can't convince her to stay. Your only choice is to REATTRACT her. So before you act desperate to her or talk about things, think to yourself "is this something that would attract Mrs. dys to me?" "Do women like this kind of behavior In their man?"
You're absolutely right. I'm not going dark just to go dark. A small part of it, I'll admit, is to get her thinking about me, what I'm doing, etc. But my main focus is just what you said, to work on me. I have a lot of work to do and I know it will take time. I will become the me that only a fool would leave.
I'm just scared that during that time, she'll move on. 9 years and she can just flick it off like a switch. It's hard to wrap my head around. I worshiped her.
Which do you think will cause her to move on faster: You acting desperate or you leaving her alone (as she asked)?
You can't control what she thinks. Might as well not convince her she made the right choice, you know?
Right. She wants space. I need the time too. There is a lot about me I don't like and it won't happen by itself or overnight. If, in this time, she moves on, at least I started to better myself and gave her the space she wanted.
Hello and welcome to the forums! Have you read DB? If you have then you should have some insight into this, she did not "just turn it off like that", it's been a long time coming, you were just blind to it. You failed to meet her needs over and over again by your own admission. You spent 5 years as a drunk and drug addict that fought her constantly. You've been clean for a couple of years and kudos to you for that! But you admittedly let yourself go by overeating, playing video games, bumming off your parents and not getting a job. I'm not trying to beat you up, just show you in your own words that you fell way, way short of being a husband to her.
Women do not wake up one day and decide they're done. They lay awake at night thinking about it for months, they talk to their friends, they drop hints to their H. Their H sees it all as nagging, which of course makes most men shut down. So finally the W decides she can't fix things, she feels she's tried everything and it's hopeless and she needs out. At that point she quits nagging and waits for the timing to be right. So you're not facing a W who suddenly changed her mind, I assure you this started way back when you were drinking and on drugs. All of that had a cumulative effect, and even though you've made changes, to her it's "too little too late."
So give up the thought right now that she'll suddenly one day change her mind back again, that's not how it works. What took years to destroy will take years to rebuild. You're on the right path in getting yourself healthy. You should also make it a priority to get a job. Improve yourself. Be patient with your W, by sympathetic to what she's going through. She may seem cold and uncaring, but she is very hurt, scared and confused right now. She will never admit it, but she is. So treat her with respect and compassion.
Change yourself, be the best you possible. It will take her time to believe your changes, right now she thinks you're just trying to trick her into coming back and will then revert to your own ways. Don't TELL her she's wrong and you've changed for good, she needs to SEE it, and see it consistently over a long period of time.
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I then asked her if I could please come see her.
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I got on my knees while she was on the couch and tried to hold her hand.
Don't do that, it just looks desperate and pathetic to her. It will make absolutely no difference. It will be months (maybe years) before she's even remotely willing to think about you romantically again.
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I love her with such a passion that being apart from her physically hurts me.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's difficult because I lived it too. Just try to focus on you and your kids, eventually the hurt lessens and then goes away.
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And on the flip side, I over-analyze EVERYTHING. She didn't email me last night? Must be with a guy. She must be moving on. She only told me that because I was standing in front of her. She is just afraid to tell me it's over.
Oh yes, we LBS's are absolute MASTERS at spinning! We could write novels on the various techniques of snooping, spying, gleaning info from others, how to do drive-by's, etc. etc. etc. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. It will not make you feel any better and if/ when she finds out it will be a huge setback in rebuilding relations with her.
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I don't know what to do.
Read DB. Then read it again and again. Print out Sandi's tips and read them several times a day. Live those tips! Work on you. Post here for advice and release. Don't give up hope, as hard as it may be to believe today, it IS possible to restore your M, but it requires more patience then you think you have right now.
It is scary, but I think that fear is just because you've been so attached to her. Once you let her go and discover that you don't NEED her any more, it's really not that scary. It's still sad, it's still the end of a long and meaningful relationship....but that has really ALREADY happened.
So there's ultimately nothing left to be scared of!
