Hello and welcome to the forums! Have you read DB? If you have then you should have some insight into this, she did not "just turn it off like that", it's been a long time coming, you were just blind to it. You failed to meet her needs over and over again by your own admission. You spent 5 years as a drunk and drug addict that fought her constantly. You've been clean for a couple of years and kudos to you for that! But you admittedly let yourself go by overeating, playing video games, bumming off your parents and not getting a job. I'm not trying to beat you up, just show you in your own words that you fell way, way short of being a husband to her.
Women do not wake up one day and decide they're done. They lay awake at night thinking about it for months, they talk to their friends, they drop hints to their H. Their H sees it all as nagging, which of course makes most men shut down. So finally the W decides she can't fix things, she feels she's tried everything and it's hopeless and she needs out. At that point she quits nagging and waits for the timing to be right. So you're not facing a W who suddenly changed her mind, I assure you this started way back when you were drinking and on drugs. All of that had a cumulative effect, and even though you've made changes, to her it's "too little too late."
So give up the thought right now that she'll suddenly one day change her mind back again, that's not how it works. What took years to destroy will take years to rebuild. You're on the right path in getting yourself healthy. You should also make it a priority to get a job. Improve yourself. Be patient with your W, by sympathetic to what she's going through. She may seem cold and uncaring, but she is very hurt, scared and confused right now. She will never admit it, but she is. So treat her with respect and compassion.
Change yourself, be the best you possible. It will take her time to believe your changes, right now she thinks you're just trying to trick her into coming back and will then revert to your own ways. Don't TELL her she's wrong and you've changed for good, she needs to SEE it, and see it consistently over a long period of time.
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I then asked her if I could please come see her.
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I got on my knees while she was on the couch and tried to hold her hand.
Don't do that, it just looks desperate and pathetic to her. It will make absolutely no difference. It will be months (maybe years) before she's even remotely willing to think about you romantically again.
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I love her with such a passion that being apart from her physically hurts me.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's difficult because I lived it too. Just try to focus on you and your kids, eventually the hurt lessens and then goes away.
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And on the flip side, I over-analyze EVERYTHING. She didn't email me last night? Must be with a guy. She must be moving on. She only told me that because I was standing in front of her. She is just afraid to tell me it's over.
Oh yes, we LBS's are absolute MASTERS at spinning! We could write novels on the various techniques of snooping, spying, gleaning info from others, how to do drive-by's, etc. etc. etc. NO GOOD CAN COME OF IT. It will not make you feel any better and if/ when she finds out it will be a huge setback in rebuilding relations with her.
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I don't know what to do.
Read DB. Then read it again and again. Print out Sandi's tips and read them several times a day. Live those tips! Work on you. Post here for advice and release. Don't give up hope, as hard as it may be to believe today, it IS possible to restore your M, but it requires more patience then you think you have right now.
