Lost, alone, and in pain

[Solo15]

You and I are about the same age, been M for about the same amount of time. This relationship reaches back into your entire adult life. It's impossible to express the pain we are going through. It's like everything we have ever been and done has been for nothing. It's like your heart has grown around her, and for you to pull her out of you is like you are dying. In some ways it is like a death. You probably have never been more attracted to your wife then right now. You probably torture yourself with the missed chances you had to fix it all years ago. Even the fun things in your life can seem hollow and empty. You interactions with your kids sometimes painful.

We move through the stages of grief for what has been lost. I'm sure that there is lots of hope for you and your M, but there is something I read here that really helped me change my focus.

Your marriage is over. That's not to say there cannot be a new one, even with her, but frame it in your mind that way. The more I tried to resolve my issues, to think in terms of how things used to be, to try and get us back to 'normal', the more I drove her away. Your wife does not want your marriage as it was. I tried to act as if this was just a fight. Just something we could work through. We are in denial. When we finally look at it for what it really is, we can actually do the things that could make a new marriage. The DB techniques help us in this way, as they train us to let go of what was, and build something new, independent of our old ways. To establish a new man, who is strong, happy and desirable. Someone that is no longer broken by this, but new and awesome. That is the person that will re attract your spouse. Or someone else. It all starts with attraction. If your wife was mad about you, she would do anything to keep you, to fix what was broken. The only way you can attract her is to free yourself from her. To detach.

In the end, what makes you stay with someone who has treated you like this? Think long and hard about that. We give so much that we lose ourselves. The momentum behind your life makes you want it all to work, and it might, but until you detach, until you let go of it, you can't move forward. The mixed messages she gives you play on your hope. Your deepest desires. It keeps you spinning. You also have probably been starving for her affection for years. You ignored it, you felt it, but you got used to it. It was damaging you all along. Realize that you are really wounded from it. You probably would jump at her slightest touch. Detach. It's going to be a long journey.

My heart goes out to you man, but I know you will ok. Better than ok. Try to reformat your mind to not grieve yet. Grieve when there is nothing left, but now put your energy into the new man you have always wanted to be.