H and I are continuing to talk more. He has opened up a lot more about day-to-day stuff. We now recap our days with each other, discuss interesting things we read/heard.
A few days ago, H asked how I was doing with everything. I was honest and said I am confused. H said that happens sometimes in life. He asked if I was happy having him around more. I answered I do.
Internally I have moments of intense panic. I wonder what happened to me and I feel so bad for abandoning him for so long. I wonder why he stuck by me for so long with such patience. I have a lot of guilt.
Then, on the heels of this, I feel so hurt by his BD & subsequent detachment. As soon as I feel what he has done to me, then, no sooner do I remember all the pain I inflicted on him. I assume he is experiencing the same.
Each day I go through this same cycle, usually it happens in the morning. I let myself experience it for a bit and then I turn on music until it subsides.
I feel like I wasted so much time. But I know that I could not stop what happened to me nor could I even see I was going through whatever that was.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
