Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

Yeah, thanks Pig Pen. Too much energy wrapped up in wondering what his experience was and is, what he is, what the past was.

I need to focus on how not good my experience was.
How I don't want to be treated that way or have to deal with that in a R or M.
I wasn't perfect, but I worked hard to provide and to be a good partner despite constantly shifting ground. You are right, I need to give compassion to me.

Future...

I'm scared. Scared of ending up alone. Scared of these feelings and all of these obsessive thoughts not going away.

I should be grateful for the time on my hands, having been able to keep everything out of the M, being able to move forward. An analogy...the engine is in tact, but there's not gas, no one driving...I've lost so much momentum on my own desire for goals or anything. So much of what I did, he was my reason for building this little life. And it seems so pointless now. I care about making my bill payments and working hard enough for that. I am eating right and caring for my body, my animals. But there's nothing in me that wants anything, the desire for increasing retirement account, buying an investment property, taking my career to the next level, I just don't feel any motivation for any of it. Even the kids I wanted...I was fairly panicked about my little bio clock when H had returned to piece, but now, I don't know...it's a vague panic. Like I know something important is slipping away and I should care, I should go to a fertility clinic, maybe freeze some eggs, but I just can't see why, what for. I don't want to lay all that on a new partner, I can't even imagine being with anyone again.