Zelda - Baby One More Time

[AnotherStander]

Hi Zelda, first let me apologize for not knowing your entire sitch, I've been away from the forums for quite a while and am just now hopping back in.

I have found this week that increased crying is a useful discharge for emotions that I've previously been processing in a merry go round.

Absolutely! And for the men out there, don't be ashamed to cry your eyes out, it is almost mandatory in recovering from losing your M. I used to cry all the way home from work, then pull it together long enough to walk past my kids, then lock the door, go in the bathroom and let her rip again. And I have never been one to cry, I was raised in one of those "men don't cry" households. I cried more after BD then I think I have in the rest of my life added together.

STBX has activated his FB account after shutting it down to hide from ins companies on his lawyer's advice 3 years ago...he's deleted every single one of our shared acquaintances or friends...over 100.

This is standard operating procedure for a WAS/ MLCer. Try not to let it get to you, try to take solace in knowing almost all WAS's engage in this kind of behavior. They flush their old life down the toilet and embrace a new devil-may-care life and lifestyle (especially if he's MLC). Eventually the novelty of it wears off and the price of such a lifestyle (emotionally, physically and financially) comes home to roost and they start doing the soul-searching they need to do to recover.

If I had any thought he might say at the hearing that he would consider counseling, this does not support it. He is clearing out his old life.

Looking at the timeline in your sig, I'm sorry to say but you are in the first mile or two of your marathon. I know this is tough to hear but your timeline is not weeks or months, it's years. You are expecting too much too soon if you think he will consider counseling right now. If he were to go to counseling this soon he would just use it all to justify his actions.

I don't know why I keep looking for signs for hope or keep arguing with myself. Even doubting what I've seen and experienced.

HOPE IS GOOD. Hang onto hope, it's what gets us through this turmoil. It is way too early to give up hope.

I think I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that STBX, who was everything, feels nothing for me.

He has feelings still, but he has buried them deep under layers of other stuff. All you can do is live your life, be the best possible you that you can be and leave him to his mess.

He told me months ago he didn't think I could be the person he needs in his life, and I want to internalize that and argue about it.

Remember Sandi's rules! "Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." Most LBS's cannot believe their angry, cold, unfeeling WAS may actually be hurting or scared inside, but they absolutely are. I had read Sandi's rules literally hundreds of times but still didn't believe it about my ex, she was the Rock of Gibraltar rendered in ice, LOL! But then she finally disclosed to me that she had been crying every single night (and this was many months after BD) because she was scared and ashamed at her actions. I was stunned, she just seemed so cold and uncaring I never imagined she was actually hurting. I thought I was the only one suffering, and in retrospect I see how selfish an attitude that was and I am embarrassed that I wasn't more cognizant of her suffering.

I thought I was a normal woman, disappointed and confused trying to explain to him how upsetting x y or z was. Of course, no one wants that to be the routine, a partner who is always unhappy at them, but how can a R be safe if people can't be honest in their emotions? He believed in waiting until emotion cooled down (which seemed like silent treatment for days) before talking about anything; I believe(d) in trying to talk through it as soon as possible, emotion or not, in order to work out the issue with partner and seek harmony again. I feel mixed up.

Of course you do, everything has been turned upside down. Here's the thing though, your H isn't the H you knew. The dispute resolution techniques you used before will not work now. That does not mean they were wrong! They were right for the time, but that time has passed. You have to think of things as pre-BD and post-BD. Do try and determine what you may have done wrong in the M and correct those things about yourself, but don't beat yourself up over it, view it as a learning experience. I've never read a single sitch here where the LBS was 100% at fault. Usually it's closer to 50-50. Your H probably screwed up as much as you did, but he's trying to fix things by leaving the M instead of addressing where the REAL problems are- inside himself. It takes a long, long time for the WAS to look inward. In the meantime, move forward in life, be the best you possible, and most of all, be patient