Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

I have found this week that increased crying is a useful discharge for emotions that I've previously been processing in a merry go round. Crying and grief is necessary for acceptance and I am trying to move myself there. Without discharge, the train is just going to keep going around the tracks.

STBX has activated his FB account after shutting it down to hide from ins companies on his lawyer's advice 3 years ago...he's deleted every single one of our shared acquaintances or friends...over 100. 30 or so of his close friends and family remain as shared bc I suppose he can't delete them just bc they choose to stay on my FB. If I had any thought he might say at the hearing that he would consider counseling, this does not support it. He is clearing out his old life.

I don't know why I keep looking for signs for hope or keep arguing with myself. Even doubting what I've seen and experienced.

I think I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that STBX, who was everything, feels nothing for me. The switch is off. He told me months ago he didn't think I could be the person he needs in his life, and I want to internalize that and argue about it.

I'm also having such a hard time not trying to convince myself (as he did) that I brought out this behavior in him some how, or I was abusive to him. Especially with his actions, hell, I'm almost convinced. He says to me when I reached out that contact from me is painful. He is cutting all ties. When he's not claiming that I wanted the D, he's claiming that I am manipulative and awful.

I have a few moments I regret through the years, but I remember falling all over myself in embarrassment and apology even then. Emotional floods, erratic, angry, panicked responses to the things he would do or say. Just ugly fighting on my part when I'm usually impassive, calm...he told me that day in the cafe that I "had a different form of violence...anger in my words, was almost visceral..." Is this true? I don't know. I thought I was a normal woman, disappointed and confused trying to explain to him how upsetting x y or z was. Of course, no one wants that to be the routine, a partner who is always unhappy at them, but how can a R be safe if people can't be honest in their emotions? He believed in waiting until emotion cooled down (which seemed like silent treatment for days) before talking about anything; I believe(d) in trying to talk through it as soon as possible, emotion or not, in order to work out the issue with partner and seek harmony again.

I feel mixed up.

It's like all over again when I first found this board. I had lost it when he flipped me off, "F you, Z," as I was trying to talk to him about what was wrong. I lost it because of that tone of voice of his, paternal, nasty. And I was resolute in my anger. I could not have a H with EAs, taking me for granted, talking to me that way, contributing virtually nothing.

Then weeks went by. I started seeing his POV, feeling sorry for how lonely and depressed he must have been. Surely he was right, I wasn't a good friend to him...

I felt myself slip as soon as I tried to forgive. I didn't want to be eaten up by my own anger anymore, but this is almost worse. Imagining I'm the bad guy, and there goes my poor sweet H down the street, who lost his temper one night, wasn't a good communicator, and there's his W who is so rigid and angry.

I can't keep in straight in my head how I see him, how I see the past. I'm afraid my IC isn't doing much good.