Abuse

[Vanilla]

Narcissism and Abuse including disordered behaviour

It is estimated that around 1% of population suffers from Narcassistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is disordered behaviour. Many more have sub clinical narcissism (estimated at 10% but I am uncertain) Many people who have NPD do not seek treatment and therefore are never diagnosed. Studies show that men are more likely to be narcissistic. Roughly 75% of the individuals diagnosed with NPD are men. Although almost everyone has some self-centred or narcissistic traits, most people do not meet the criteria for having a personality disorder. There is, however, a growing portion of the population that is displaying a greater number of toxic, narcissistic traits, which are having an adverse effect on their lives and the lives of people close to them, even if they do not meet the clinical diagnosis of NPD. Forming attachments to individuals who exhibit these negative traits often causes similar distress as a diagnosable narcissistic relationship with a disordered individual.

A new study from Ohio State University has found that one simple question can identify narcissists as accurately as the 40-item test that has been widely used to diagnose NPD. The question is simple, rating yourself on a scale of 1-7: “To what extent do you agree with this statement: I am a narcissist. (Note: The word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused and vain.)” The questions are available or various versions by googling. Vs score was originally 6 and is now 10. So it can be lowered and raised by awareness and behaviour. However, while this study suggests that many narcissists will freely admit to their narcissistic tendencies, it is important to note that most narcissists resist the diagnosis of NPD. Narcissists, generally, do not like to be told that they are narcissists and disordered. In fact, they often have a strong negative and volatile reaction.

Below are some common traits that a narcissistic relationship partner is likely to have: (Note the degree to which these traits manifest themselves will vary largely depending on the individual.)
-Sense of entitlement or superiority
-Lack of empathy
-Manipulative or controlling behaviour
-Strong need for admiration
-Focus on getting one’s own needs met, often ignoring the needs of others
-Higher levels of aggression
-Difficulty taking feedback about their behaviour

How do people become narcissistic? Is it a symptom of something else?

Narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents, who offered them a build up but no real substance. Their parents wanted them to be great, so they could be the parent of a great person, the best artist, smartest student, etc. Often narcissistic people were also neglected, as their parents were so focused on themselves that they could not attune to their child or meet their child’s emotional needs. The child was only useful to these parents when they were serving a purpose for them. Often, the parents of a person with NPD alternated between emotional hunger toward the child and disinterest.

Narcissists have inflated self-esteem (both self-soothing and self-aggrandising “voices”) a component of what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to as the “anti-self.” They are very fragile, because the flip side of their self-aggrandised feeling is very low self-esteem, the other component of the anti-self (made up of extremely self-hating and self-demeaning “critical inner voices”). So, for these people, even slight criticism can be a narcissistic injury, leading to an angry outburst and desperate attempts to regain their fragile, inflated self-esteem. Often, a condescending remark will help them to reestablish their superior image. Condescending is a common dynamic in narcissistic relationships. This behaviour can be traced back to the need desperate need narcissists feel to be above others.
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Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism- two categories of narcissism

Grandiose narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, aggression and dominance. They tend to be more confident and less sensitive. They are often elitists and have no problem telling everyone how great they are. Usually grandiose narcissists were treated as if they were superior in their early childhood and they move through life expecting this type of treatment to continue. In relationships, grandiose narcissists are more likely to openly engage in infidelity or leave their partners abruptly if they feel that they are not getting the special treatment that they think they are entitled to.

Vulnerable narcissists on the other hand, are much more emotionally sensitive. They have what Dr. Campbell describes as a “fragile grandiosity,” in which their narcissism serves as a façade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Vulnerable narcissists swing back and forth between feeling superior and inferior. They often feel victimised or anxious when they are not treated as if they are special. This type of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse or neglect. In relationships, vulnerable narcissists often worry about how their partners perceive them. They can be very possessive, jealous and paranoid about their partners having flirtations or affairs.

How does having a narcissistic partner negatively impact a relationship?

This section is not discussing Narcissism disorder.

Narcissistic relationships tend to be very challenging. Narcissistic partners usually have difficulty really loving someone else, because they don’t truly love themselves. They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really “see” their partner as a separate person. They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they fill their needs (or fail to fill their needs). Their mates and children are only valued in terms of their ability to meet these needs. Narcissistic partners often lack the ability to have empathy with their partners’ feelings. This lack of empathy leads to a lot of hard feelings.

Yet many people are drawn to narcissistic relationships. Narcissistic partners can be very captivating, especially at the beginning. They tend to have a “big” personality. They are the life of the party. They can make you feel that you too must be great for them to choose you. However, in time, they can be too controlling in relationships. They may feel jealous or easily hurt. When narcissistic injuries occur, they often lash out and can be cutting. Their reactions are dramatic and attention-seeking. According to narcissistic personality expert, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, “The effects of narcissism are most substantial in relation to interpersonal functioning. In general, trait narcissism is associated with behaving in such a way that one is perceived as more likeable in initial encounters with strangers— but this likability diminishes with time and increased exposure to the narcissistic individual.” This is why many people, who have been in a long-term narcissistic relationships, describe a very passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and then a sharp decline as the likability decreases and the self-centred behaviours increase. Narcissists are prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and are very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily sustained.

When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel very lonely. You might feel like you are just an accessory and your needs and wants are unimportant. Narcissistic partners act as if they are always right, that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent. This often leaves the other person in the relationship either angry and trying to defend themselves or identifying with this negative self-image and feeling badly about themselves.

What are some things a person can do to deal with a narcissistic partner?

If you find yourself in a narcissistic relationship, you can first recognise what you have chosen and reflect on the unconscious motives that might have led you to choose such a partner. Did you have a self-centred parent? Are you more comfortable with your partner being in control, so you can then take be more passive? Do you get a sense of worth from being attached to someone who is in the spotlight? Does the negative image of yourself they foster with their criticisms and superior attitudes resonate with your own critical thoughts about yourself? Many people who fall in love with narcissists have issues around co-dependency. They will put up with a certain amount of abuse because they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to set boundaries or be on their own.

Understanding your role in the narcissistic relationship is important.

You can then start to challenge yourself to change your half of the dynamic. This will, in turn, challenge your partner to change their style of relating. You can recognise the fragility of your partner’s self-esteem and have compassion for the fact that his or her inflated sense of self, superiority and grandiosity is a cover up for the flip side of self-hate and feelings of inadequacy. You can also develop your own self-confidence and self-worth by learning to practice self-compassion. In all encounters, act equal, and treat your partner as an equal.

How can people face and overcome their own narcissism?

A narcissist can challenge and overcome their narcissism by recognising and separating from both the self-soothing, self-aggrandising and self-attacking attitudes of their critical inner voice. The attitudes they internalised very early on in their lives. They need to recognise and challenge these attitudes toward themselves and toward others. One method for doing this is through Voice Therapy.

Narcissists further need to differentiate from negative traits of their parents or early caretakers that they are still acting out in their current lives. These traits might include superior attitudes or condescending behaviours. They also need to give up the adaptations they made to the ways their own parents neglected them or were emotionally hungry toward them. These adaptations may have once been their survival mechanisms, but they now manage to push others away and sabotage personal lives and goals. Narcissists also need to break patterns of being self-centred or withholding. They must fight the tendency to always compare themselves to others and the need to be the “best” or “perfect” all the time.

Another way to cure narcissism is to foster self-compassion rather than self-esteem. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research on self-esteem versus self-compassion. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that self-esteem centres on evaluating yourself in relation to others and an emphasises a need to be special. While self-compassion focuses on “treating oneself with kindness, recognising one’s shared humanity, and being mindful when considering negative aspects of oneself.” Dr. Neff’s studies have found that self-esteem leads to higher levels of narcissism, but self-compassion does not.

Self-compassion actually combats narcissism because it includes the idea of a shared humanity with all other human beings, which leads to more compassion for others. Self-compassion also fosters real self-awareness, a trait many narcissists lack, as it promotes that we be mindful of our faults, which is the first step to changing negative traits in yourself.

For there to be any hope of recovering a good relationship from a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist must overcome their self-centred and negative traits. They need to challenge their self-feeding habits and pseudo-independent stance. They need to focus on developing their capacity for empathy and respect of others. Lastly, they need to develop transcendent goals, to care about and invest in others’ well-being. Being generous and giving to others are examples of behaviours that would be corrective, building real self-compassion and practicing focusing outside of oneself.
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Abusers with Narcism, abusers with anti-social personality disorder (sociopath/psychopath) and abusers

First of all, do realise that not all abusers are the same. Those with Antisocial Personality Disorder would once have been called a sociopaths or psychopaths. Some of the diagnostic criteria may have changed since those times, but for the most part, the behaviours of this group of people have remained quite consistent. Someone can have traits of more than one personality disorder such persons used to be referred to as borderline being both NPD and APSD. Schizoid personalities tend not to form Rs as they suffer from Paranoa, introversion and OCD and tend to be reclusive and loners.

It might help to distinguish the two personality disorders by thinking about abnormal behaviour as occurring along a continuum. Thus, someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder might exhibit some of the same types of behaviours as someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder, they won’t be as extreme. Thus, both types are into power and control. They also will use abuse to gain one or both of these. However, the narcissist who’s successful in business or profession is not inclined to resort to violence in the way that those with Antisocial Personality Disorder is. Those with NPD have a higher level of impulse control, and will use more subtle tactic playing top dog, while making others serve as subjects. But then, those suffering from pathological levels of narcissism see themselves as far superior anyway—and as entitled human beings.

Those with Antisocial Personality Disorder use violence when angry or thwarted. Thus, inclined not just to beat up partners and children, but will get into fights or engage in physical violence with most anyone—because there is poor impulse control and the fight response seems to be easily triggered. Thus, those with Antisocial Personality Disorder may beat up a policeman even though they know the consequences—and don't want to suffer them, either; they are out-of-control believing that the ends always justify the means.

Neither an NPD nor those one with Antisocial Personality Disorder really are capable of showing empathy for others. It is easy for them to use the tactics they do, to get whatever it is they want, exactly because they don’t identify with others’ feelings—that the means they are using to reach their desired might be very painful and hurtful to others—if not deadly. However, depending on the degree of pathological narcissism they might be able to realise, at least to some degree, how their behaviour has impacted others. They may also may try and make behavioural changes because they want to maintain his family, for example. Nonetheless, while their partner may want to believe this suddenly cooperative response is about love, in reality, love might have nothing to do with it. The narcissist might be more concerned with preserving an image or continuing to gain some benefit perceived as important—that essentially demands having a seemingly happy family. They might actually consider the wife and the family a necessity, on the one hand, while actually perceiving them as a nuisance.

Those with either of these two personality disorders will tend to treat others as objects, there for his personal benefit and use. However, again, the individual with Antisocial Personality Disorder is most inclined to resort to the most extreme measures to accomplish this. Still, there are cold-hearted narcissists who can engage in despicable behaviour. And, as they seek to maintain control and be in charge, or as they strive to be better than their partner and seek to prove this, such narcissists can make the lives of the women in their lives quite miserable--but without yielding to physical violence as those with Antisocial Personality Disorder will do.

These narcissists are cool and calculating. They operate in a world constructed of fear versus one of love. They seek to achieve desired results by making others feel compelled to go along with them—because these others don’t want to suffer the anticipated painful consequences of doing otherwise. The thing is, the partner might well have conceded to the narcissist’s wishes anyway—without having to endure the abusive behaviours. But how could a narcissist appreciate that someone might be motivated purely from love when indeed, they don’t know what love is? They don’t feel it—they only know how to act it out, in order to seduce and get their way.

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[Don’t expect the Partner with either Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder to Change

Usually those with high levels of Narcissistic or Antisocial Personality Disorder is apt to change. Unlike the neurotic, they do not really suffer emotional pain because of who they are. Thus, they are not motivated to change. Rather, they are often quite proud of the pain they cause. They wear this as if it was a worthy accomplishment—a badge of courage. Narcissists or Antisocial Personality Disorder partners can be charming. However, the narcissist can often offer more than that; they can often provide the good life because of his aggressiveness and willingness to win at all costs. Those with Antisocial Personality Disorder, on the other hand, is apt to be bad news in every respect. Their impulsivity is apt to result in problems with relationships. In turn, this affects their ability to hold a job. They is also more apt to become engaged in crime and to get into trouble with the law. Major substance abuse issues are often a problem as well.

Abuse

We can see that those with Narcism are not always abusers and those with antisocial personality disorder are always abusers.

Not all narcissists have a disorder, they may have mild version of the personality traits to a certain extent the scale 0-40:

0-5 low self esteem doormat (needs help)
6-12 low normal (codependent)
12-16 normal
16-24 high function narc (score can be lowered with treatment)
24-30 low function (withdraw)
30+ disordered (get out)

There are abusers (reactive and situational) who do not have personality issues and there are those who abuse systematically who may have serious personality disorders. There are those who are so cold they abuse in a controlled way.

Abuse is about power and control in the relationship and follows a seductive sweet cycle. Narcissists eecially those with a disorder may not resort to behaviours that those with Antisocial Personality Disorder regularly do, the narcissist would probably use more tactics but they are afraid of being caught. Remember, though, the narcissist is more concerned about consequences. Those with Antisocial Personality Disorder are inclined to just go ahead and act.

The thing that you must remember is that neither is inclined to act in a way that is in the targets best interest. It is all about them—and it will continue to be that way. Furthermore, no matter how perfect and accommodating a partner you are, you will undoubtedly continue to suffer emotional abuse and verbal abuse—if not worse.

Tell me, is this how you really want to live your life? Do you want to be with someone who is so disordered and wants to control you?

This is the question you need to be asking yourself. After all, those who have either Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder are apt to always remain the same—with this mental disorder that feeds verbal abuse and emotional abuse that destroy you a little more each day. And so frankly, if you want the insanity to stop, you must make that move. Furthermore, the sooner you do it, the better.

This is extracted from Dr England's book on personality disorders and is also on her website. V did not write this.

V