Abuse

[Vanilla]

Victim or Target?

I was lied to and I made decisions that put me in harms way. I was subject to a bait and switch and given promises by a loved one who was well aware that he had no intention of ever delivering on those promises nor being capable of delivering them. I was targeted not victimised. What is the difference between a victim or poor me and a target?


1. Targets feel flat and affect is bewildered

A Victim isn’t emotionally vibrant and attached to the events which they are sharing that were abusive. They appear as if they’ve just gotten back from a calming vacation. Very smooth. Cool. Detached.

Whereas a Target will appear locked in, bewildered, lost and troubled. They’ll cry, appear jumpy, nervous and afraid. They’ll space out then come back to the conversation with shocking emotion. They have an urgency with their speech and inflection and it will be full with emotions that are all over the place. There are instances of targets who are completely detached and disengaged; hopelessly depressed with a flat affect from the abuse. There will still be evidence of being lost in that “spaced out” appearance not like the cold, cool demeanour of a liar. They may have PTSD.

Targets experience the grieving process. Shock. Denial. Anger. moving all the way through acceptance. Whereas a Victim will appear to get over the emotions of the experience rather quickly. They don’t appear to dwell, (ruminate / obsess) over the “abusive” experiences.

2. Behaviour and actions differ in a poor me victim

Though the words they’re using say, “I’m afraid. Stalker. Scared for my life.” Their behaviour says something else. They’ve studied the target long enough and know the dark deeds they’ve committed to be able to twist history to use a convincing choice of dialogue, placing themselves in the position of the “Poor me.” They’re able to take conversations you’ve had previously and articulately add / detract from them just enough to appear as if you were behaving as a crazy person.

A Perfect example: Cutting and pasting parts of an email conversation (when you forward conversations, you can change the language) and present edited versions as “Evidence”. That’s not really “evidence” of course, it’s called falsifying evidence and can believe they’re above the law and backed by flying monkeys.

A target will be unsure: Foggy. Forgetful. Inarticulate. Shows confusion. Their words and thoughts are muddled. Chaotic. Disjointed. You can even see them stop and question the absurdity and validity of their story. Having diaries, recording will bring this to focus but even so reality is questioned.

It may appear that targets are trying to think of an answer, but we’re realizing based on the “surreal” details and the fact that the person were telling has changed their demeanor (eye rolls, doubtful looks) to them our story sounds artificial or we’re being accused of being “hysterical”, we feel defeated – we want to defend our honesty. Suddenly our credibility waivers – even though we’re the ones telling the honest to God’s truth; it’s very isolating.

Where does a loving person go with this kind of conversation? Most targets question themselves. We became accustomed to explaining the inexplicable by assuming responsibility. We try harder. We try to understand and change.

3. The next R of a "poor me" follows the same pattern

Victims don’t change a damn thing about their behaviour. They don’t seek help. They don’t look over their shoulders. (Unless they’re paranoid about karma catching up with them) They don’t have trouble sleeping at night or difficulty breathing at times. They aren’t afraid of you in the ways they’ve claimed to be afraid. They aren’t as afraid of you as you are of them. They don’t hang out in support groups. They don’t share their stories with other survivors. They don’t endure the traumatic symptoms of PTSD.

Targets can’t survive by any other way than with support. Seeking validation, seeking therapy, Higher power, or other review of our inner state. We’re shocked, scared and hurt, we feel broken by the abuse. We reach out, give back and share our stories with others. We try to warn the next target. We have the ability and show true empathy for other targets because we know what the abuse from a narcissist feels like. We feel others confusion. We don’t take the experience lightly, nor the feelings of those who’ve suffered this lightly.

Targets become very involved in our own therapy. We are motivated by hurt, anger, fear and determination to never be made a victim again, and thus pour ourselves into learning about our own behaviour, vulnerabilities and areas in need of improvement. A victim believes everyone else needs to change. This is like OJ saying he’s going to devote the rest of his life to finding the “Real killers” of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman. He spent his time searching golf courses.

Targets are at home tending to their self-care and reading every tidbit of information regarding recovery they can get their hands on. Victims are out meeting new dating partners, out selling themselves on websites for dating, flirting, laughing and gayly enjoying a life not fettered by consequences. They post pictures of where they’re located or broadcast to social media that they’re at such and such location.

Targets don't announce our change in that way as there is the true danger of someone who uses that information to track us down. We show fear and make changes to our previous lifestyles, one that’s more self orientated and we are possible hyper vigilant.

4 Targets question themselves

Targets are full of self-doubt. If a person was very self-assured, they would instantly recognise abuse and walk away. They’d be confident that they could handle the situation and feel very comfortable labelling their former partner as “abusive”. They start to grow boundaries and question their own actions.

Targets are slow to use the word abuse – we’re not even looking outside ourselves for answers. We’re busy looking within; carrying tons of borrowed shame and guilt. We don’t throw the term around because of the far-reaching consequences and implications of the words, “Abused” and “Targets”.

5. There is denial by targets and they may return

Several posters here struggle with recognising abuse.
Self questioning by the target
1. Was it me?

2. Everything that went wrong seemed to be my fault. I apologised and chased over and over.

3. The abuser was a fabulous wonderful person, I was told so many times. I caused his issues

4. It wasn't about what I did but about who I was.

5. I made excuses for my other to myself, others and him.

This post is from several internet sources

V