Py Abusers aren't disordered but highly controlled and effective.
NPD is a clinical diagnosis and requires professional assessment.
Your W could be high functioning narc and abusive but not disordered. She would need diagnosis I think which is difficult as I can't see her volunteering.
Disordered NPDs behave that way in all relationships, abusers only abuse partners and children. It's very different, they manage in the world very well. It's very deliberate abuse and predatory. They know the difference and that abuse is wrong but use it as a tactic therefore choosing abuse to get that which they need. Disordered individuals are uncontrolled and unlikely to recover but it's engrained. Of course they can be both disordered and abusive. Psychopaths/sociopaths, now referred to as anti socials are compulsive and uncontrolled, they can be violent too. Physical abuse is scary stuff.
