Need a fresh start...but he's still here

[lost18]

It has been so long I'm not quite sure where to start. Yes, mahhhty it was the "longest vacation ever!" We are both from the same very small town on Lake Superior and we bought property with an old trailer on it a few years ago. A friend of my dad's lives there when we are not there, pays a small amount of rent that pays taxes and incidentals and takes care of the place the 11 months we are not there. It is nice to be able to spend time in our home town and with family and friends, especially since my parents are getting older.

If you remember I was really looking forward to heading north and having some time away from H. I thought it would help me get a clearer head and have a fresh start. D17 and I headed up on July 1st and it was just us two until I picked up D13 on July 13th. Overall we had a great time and did some exploring. It is beautiful country that I certainly didn't appreciate when I was a kid. We got along for the most part but I really should start DBing my kids as well. I was told I was "so annoying" on several occasions! We took some day trips to scenic places in the area (waterfalls, state parks, apostle islands etc) and tried some new restaurants (one was on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives.) Of course spent time with friends and family as well.

We did continue our adventures once D13 arrived but she's more high maintenance so it wasn't quite as relaxing. lol.

H and I did have contact while I was there and right away I allowed myself to get all worked up. It was about money. I still get child support for S20 (a lot of back support due). Anyway, a check came the day I left. He let me know that it came and asked if he "should just keep it to take care of D13 for the next couple of weeks?" I ignored that question and responded to whatever else he asked. Then he asked about it again. I asked him if he could deposit it because I had bills (joint) that needed to be paid. He said he would be getting paid and would transfer me some money. And he did, but this just set me off. I pay all the household bills except the mortgage with the money he "gives" me, this is the way we've done it for the past 4-5 years. He bought a new vehicle which he added to the insurance which I pay, I buy the groceries that he eats, electric etc. I guess my point is this, he is not giving me money that I am spending on myself and out partying with...it's to take care of the house which he is living in and our kids. The fact that he wanted to keep my less than $300 check really pi$$ed me off...I did have D17 with me as well.

I could keep ranting about the money issue and maybe I will post later regarding it, but bottom line is that is a big issue, he feels because he was the one working it's "his money."

The money thing did stress me out on some days, I was off doing things and eating out with D17 (and eventually D13) thinking $hit, can I really afford this. I had saved some money knowing I was going to be on vacation for over a month but I allowed this interaction to really affect me negatively for too long. I even blocked him from my facebook so he couldn't see what I was doing or what I was spending money on because I was worried he would stop giving me money at all. Sigh...money really can be the root of evil.

Along with the money issue I just couldn't seem to stop thinking about H. I was doing a lot with D17 and friends and family but he was always on my mind. I wish H was here, it would be fun to do this with H, I wonder if H would like this. There were times that I thought "H wouldn't do that, maybe I'll meet someone who will and really enjoy life!" Yup, the idea of clearing my head was shot to hell! HAHAHAHA....I did still have a great time tho, don't get me wrong!

I was there for 22 days before H came. We did keep in contact every few days. He did a lot of the initiating, keeping me filled in on D13 while she was still with him and asking me about things at the house. I didn't always respond right away (we do have sketchy service but sometimes on purpose!) For example, he asked about something early afternoon on Friday and I didn't respond until late morning Saturday. We had some exchanges that afternoon and later that evening he asked me about something else, I didn't respond at all. I got a text from him Sunday night that said "WTF?" Guess he didn't like that I wasn't responsive, I finally replied close to noon on Monday, but I didn't answer the question he had asked, it was regarding something else I told him I would check on.

I had so much anxiety the 4-5 days before he got there, it was horrible. I was close to tears some days. Not knowing what to expect, not many people know our situation so I was worried about people asking questions knowing I don't really want everyone to know and all that comes with that. I didn't want to be on edge, worried about what I said or did or how I looked. Just a ton of anxiety, so much I wished I would have brought my xanax.

Every 5 years our town has a huge festival/reunion. All of my family(some I only see every 5 years) was going to be there as well as his (including his bro who lives in Europe). Lots to do, lots of people to see, lots of partying...

Our place there is a 3 bedroom with 2 double beds and a twin. We have a couple of air mattresses as well and of course the couches. He invited his brother (from Europe) as well as his Sister and her family (they live here and I see them frequently) to stay at our place so I spent too much time wondering where H was planning on sleeping...just a lot more anxiety than I wanted on my vacation.

H got in late Wed/early Thurs and slept in the room with the twin bed that night but slept with me the remainder of the time he was there...

more later, I promise!