Just an update. Wife pulled up with a U-Haul yesterday and got the rest of her stuff. It is weird pulling into garage and seeing all her bikes gone. Or coming into the house and all her stuff is gone. Seeing pictures of us on the wall or on the piano, all happy. When I pulled in and opened the garage door I pretended like I would see the other car in the garage and all her stuff, like it was just a bad dream. But it is real, oh so real. And yesterday I got her proposal on what she wants out of the divorce, and it is far from fair, or what I think is fair. At this point I don't want to give up on the marriage but now it just seems like it's going to be haggling between our lawyers. How does one show compassion and loving to their spouse thru these difficult and advesorial times?
Been a week since I have seen or talked to wife on phone. Just some texts back and forth. I haven't asked how she is doing or that I miss her. So I guess I am doing good there. Still have the pictures of us up on the walls. How long do I keep them up. I don't want the divorce. But do I just go along with it?
Bobby, I haven't followed your ditch at all and I am far from a vet. But I will say this. I took the pictures down Thursday of last week. It was empowering! The constant reminder is no longer there every day. I replaced them all with pics of me and my son. Same frames, just replaced pics. Stored the others away in my gun safe. Didn't destroy or throw away...
Saturday it was the first thing she noticed when picking up S4. I could sense that it bothered her but not a word was said. Sunday the spew came and I let her get it all out. I calmly replied that it is my house and I don't have to ask questions before doing something in it. (Not sure if that is a vet approved statement but it is how I handled it when put on the spot. Prolly would have been better to say nothing in response?)
Anyway, it's a week later and I still feel better about the empty house without having to see them all around the home. But the final decision is when YOU feel it is time!
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Side note on that also. My XF moved out last weekend in May so I'm a few months farther along... The right time is when you feel it is right. I struggled with that decision for weeks before pulling the trigger on it.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
"How does one show compassion and loving to their spouse thru these difficult and advesorial times?"
Hi Bobby, it's a tough one for sure. I think in legal terms, you need to take due steps to protect your own interests and achieve a fair settlement. Many people advocate working mainly through L's. For me, H and I have exchanged some emails about various things. All quite constructive. But if he suggests something I think is unfair, I tend to withdraw, and leave the legal process to move forward.
In terms of 'compassion and loving' - I aim for a non-critical, co-operative approach. I aim to make minimal demands of H. I listen when he tells me something. I don't probe into what he is doing or ask him much about his life. If we converse, I stick to 'safe' areas, like SS or work etc. I keep contact to a minimum. I throw in a dash of humour now and again, and mention odd things I have been doing & how busy I am.
I try and keep my compassion and loving internally - rather than 'showing' it as such. I try and mentally wish him well on his path and wish him happiness however things turn out. I guess I 'show' my compassion by not being negative, critical or judgemental towards him.
Sounds like you are doing well in dificult circumstances :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well it is all lawyers in the communication of settlement. I am doing a pretty good job of going dark. A couple of text here and there, nothing much. I guess I fear that the divorce process just runs it course and that it is it for us. I guess I just do nothing? But I continue to GAL
Not feeling too good right now. Wife unfriended me on Facebook and got rid of pictures of me or cropped me out of her pics. It's nice to feel like I mean or meant nothing to her. It's funny when someone says how important you are and how much they love you..You believe them.
Sorry you're having a bad day Bobby. Maybe cropping you out of photos is her way of coping but it sure does hurt! This whole process stinks for everyone involved. I hope the rest of your week gets better
I know going dark means no snooping on facebook and such. I got a notice a couple of days ago on my facebook page that my wife had changed her profile picture. I looked on my notification. It was a picture of the 2 of us. Which made me feel.......good I guess. But I went to her facebook page and it was still her old one of her and a friend. So of course all these thoughts go thru my mind. Was it a good sign? Was it just an accidental thing. Was she going to crop me out of that picture and use it as her profile. I could wonder till my brain falls out of what it meant if anything. I'm sure we all wonder about what the spouse is thinking. Hoping that they are at least thinking of you 1/2 as much as you are thinking of them.
