Hello

[Vanilla]

Thought it would be helpful to have your posts on Sandis thread to refer to:,

first, i wasn't trying to shift the blame to 'being mad at someone else.' i was saying it more like i was stupid because i wasn't even mad at her and yet i snapped at her.

i've been in therapy over a year and just switched to a new therapist after my wife left. the difference between then and now is pretty remarkable i think, but it wasn't remarkable enough to her obviously.

as the last year progressed and i got better control and backed off, giving her alone time and stuff that she asked for, our arguments became more intense and she was the one screaming at me. she kicked a hole in the bathroom door and a bedroom door, knocking the jamb off in the process. she also screamed 'i hate you' several times during an argument because i was saying i wouldn't listen and that we needed a time to cool off. i was stonewalling, but it was the more instinctual kind where it was so heated i was just shutting down inside to make it stop. which works so well as we know.

it was really like our roles switched. i would suggest going out, and she would be mad or pouty. i would listen to her complain and not judge. she would blame me for things in the past or ask me why i did them (all stuff from my past playbook which made it doubly frustrating). she kicked in doors, slammed doors, kicked the inside of the car dashboard while driving, etc.

so yes, i had a few bouts of anger, but most of the year was good with more sadness and regret on my part than anger. i told her all the time how beautiful she as, how i loved her, etc. but she said none of it made up for the past. i am leaps and bounds better with the D3 and D6, and I always tried to make sure she had a lot of time with them. (this hurt me in the long run because i was always reluctant to do date nights or 'rob' her of time with the girls.

and she told me why she left; to let the world in; a third of her life was over and she hadn't done what she wanted to do; she wants to focus on her career; she isn't in love with me; she thinks we're better parents when we're not together; and she doesn't think she's good for me; and she's letting me free to find someone that can make me happy. and another gem was that basically i bring out the worst in her.

i hope i don't sound like i'm making excuses. i am fully aware of what i did and how it progressed to where it has.

and no, the anger stuff hasn't affected jobs. so yeah, been in therapy a year, gotten a good handle on most of it, but still had impulse issues and problems validating feelings if i felt i couldn't understand them (stupid i know).

and i didn't believe she would walk away because she had left a year earlier and come back on multiple conditions i had implemented or were ongoing. to me things were getting better with some speed bumps, but after the fact she said the couples counseling wasn't that effective for her and that every time she felt love rekindled an argument would blow it out. whereas i was falling more deeply in love with her than i had been before.

again, not trying to make excuses. not trying to say she isn't justified. not trying to shift blame. not trying to lessen my part in it.

just looking for advice and ideas.

---------------------------------------

Sandi response
Thanks for your response. It does clarify some things. Has your W ever displayed such acts of temper, as she's presently doing?

it was really like our roles switched. i would suggest going out, and she would be mad or pouty. i would listen to her complain and not judge. she would blame me for things in the past or ask me why i did them (all stuff from my past playbook which made it doubly frustrating). she kicked in doors, slammed doors, kicked the inside of the car dashboard while driving, etc.

We have actually seen this same stitch in past stories. It is not easy for the couple to find a balance in the temperament of the MR. I feel sorry for the kids, b/c this has been their example of how to act when one is angry, so they will likely display the same type of behavior.........unless the family can receive help in learning and teaching new coping skills. I am glad you are sticking with a therapist. Is the new one helping you more than the previous therapist?

--------------------------------------

The kids didn't see much of this. It usually happened when they were asleep or were spending the night at the grandparents. they might see her crying after getting really mad at me for something, and they'd ask why mom was crying. i'd usually tell them that everyone needs to cry sometime, and a couple times i called them in and we all gave her a big hug together.

D6 has a temper, but for me the entire year has been about calming, being with her when she's upset, explaining the ideas of choosing how to feel, etc. the idea being that i could show her how to choose as i changed and became better. I did get mad a few times, when she hit her sister, etc. but it was over in a few seconds and then i tried to work through the feelings with her, to try and make it a teachable moment.

again, try not to hear excuses in these comments.

my wife hasn't displayed the physical anger before this past year (as i was in counseling and getting a grip on things). she's yelled and screamed at me in the past, but all the physical stuff is new. it's one of the reasons she left i think, saying i bring out the worst in her.

so i don't know what to do. she just grew increasingly unhappy it seems throughout the year, bringing up older and older stuff but never processing it out.

at one point she said "i guess i'm not over all these things from the past." whereas before she would always talk about forgiveness and how important it was. how feelings were your choice and one had to choose to be happy - that no one else could do it for them. at the time i couldn't comprehend it. i was so lodged in frustration and discontent.

i so want my W to go to IC, but i, as the LBH, can't bring it up. as i've said, i so want her to be happy. i feel very responsible for her unhappiness and i just want her to smile and laugh again. and of course, i want that to be with me. i'd rather see her happy though.

this [censored].

-----------------------------------------

There are a few things here, prior to the last year there were argument, heated but give and take. In that last year is ranting etc and some physical abuse. Abuse especially physical abuse should stop. Always, whenever I read about it, to me it's a red flag sign. Be safe, ensure you are safe and that your children are safe.

Get a good L and keep on seeing IC.

V