The sad part is is that my wife is making her decision based on such negative emotions. She "hates" me and she "knows that that will never change".
When you planned your marriage, she loved you and knew that would never change. Feelings ebb and flow, and the ones that grow are the ones you feed.
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It's my kids. She will take them and displace them from our home.
Are you sure she can do that? Have you talked to a lawyer about it?
Painter. Us DBers understand that feelings ebb and flow. We are the one's who look inward and realize that feelings can change both ways and that dynamics of relationships can change many times.
So far as your question about my children. Yes, I have a lawyer (a very good one who is a family friend, a founding member of his firm, and has been practicing family law for over 30 years) and there is nothing legally I could do to prevent her from leaving the house and taking the children. The only thing she is legally prevented from doing would be to take them out of state. That she cannot do.
BEClem, on the shifting emotions, I was commiserating and trying to be supportive of you, sorry if I didn't express myself very well.
On the children - I am sorry that you are living in a state that sort of supports mercenary behavior from parents. But does that mean that there's also nothing she can do to stop you from taking the children?
Here's what I would focus on, based on what I've seen in family courts across the country over the years:
Think about what the judge will look at when you want custody. They will look at the best interest of the children when they award primary. Some of the factors will most likely be:
- who lives in the family home with the children (that will be a plus for that parent) - if that is also the address on file with the school, it will be seen as the school-aged children's primary home - what has the arrangement been the last 6 months before the court date (it will be regarded as something you accepted implicitly and it will be hard to argue for another arrangement unless you have repeatedly and clearly stated that you disagree with the way it was) - who is more willing to facilitate visitation and share information with the other parent (basically, who plays nicer and is more willing to share) - who can financially take better care of them - who is more stable
This may actually mean that you moving back in and her leaving with the kids can work to your benefit when it comes time for a judge to decide how the next 16 years are going to look. Make sure you document every attempt from her to block you from time with the children, whether it is overt or just evasive. The babysitter issue can be taken care of with a right of first refusal clause.
Your attorney should have all of these factors for you to consider, and know which ones are more weighted in your local family court.
But to sum it up: I would not leave the family home, I would not accept without very clear and repeated objection that she has taken possession of the children.
Also - it sounds like you need to move ahead on the financial separation, because I agree it is very inappropriate of you to bring up how she spends money on a babysitter, and she will resent you further.
One poster said that she will blame you if you try to predict what will happen and it comes to be, instead of learning it herself. That is very good advice! WAH actually claimed that I had in fact created an illness in another person by recognizing some symptoms and suggested what it could be and recommended going to a doc to figure it out for certain. There is really no end to what we are capable of when it comes to negative powers, it seems.
Painter, and anyone else. Walk me through some of these legal issues. I have made it clear from day one that I never wanted to leave the home and have made it clear that I want to return.
I admit to everyone who 2 x 4d me: My behavior was impulsive.
But to address a few things that were brought up. Both Sandi and Cadet felt I should move back into the home.
Job, you had asked about finances and referred to the house as her house. Yes, she babysits my cousin's daughter during the week and generates about 500 per month from that. It is the only income she has generated the last 7 years and has only been doing it for about 8 months or so. I work full time, am living with my parents and have continued to pay for everything.
The house (our house) belongs to my sister from whom we rent it. My name is on the lease. From a legal standpoint, direct from my Lawyer, it is not her house and I have every legal right to return there should I choose.
Point being is this: It is not her house persay. It is our house and from a legal standpoint, it is my house.
But, and this gets back to the point that Sandi and Cadet made earlier, she has clearly stated that she will leave, with the children, if I return. Where she would go she has no idea.
I realize I may have made a mountain out of a molehill with the babysitter and her going out. But she filed (or so she says) two weeks ago. We immediately discussed splitting finances, her going back to work etc. So we can start SHARING financial responsibility. No, I do not expect her to be a "prisoner" and stay home all of the time. But that is the thing. For 9 months now she has gone out as often as she wanted to. Not once this whole entire time have I given her an issue with her going out. I handed over every dime I made. But something has to give now doesn't it?
I am asking for some discussion on the practicalities.
