Ok, first off, this place has been an absolute Godsend. I was googling how to deal with my W wanting a D and I don't and here I am! I've been lurking for a few days but after reading some of the stuff here I feel like I've known some of you for years! Ok, so, my sitch:
I'm in my early 30's, will have been married 9 years come October. We have 2, 7S and almost 3D. The first 5 years of our marriage I was a drunk. I drank every night. I would pick fights with her over any and everything. Never physical but I think I did plenty of damage with my words. I was also an opiate addict. $400 a week. She stuck with me through it all, however. We had a rocky situation a couple of years ago where she was having an e-affair with a few different guys. We worked through it. I've since been sober and clean since April 3rd 2013.
Skip ahead. I haven't had a job since I got clean. I've also become quite, well, slobbish. I gained entirely too much weight. I took great care of the kids just not so much my W. All she ever wanted was for me to find a job so we could stop relying on my family for help. I just wanted to play video games. She would never leave me...
A couple of weeks ago she started to take a very serious interest in her appearance. Lots of makeup (not normal for her) and take selfies, post lyrics and quotes that, well, made me wonder what was going on. So finally last week I asked her about her new found interest in makeup and bewm. We fought. I compared her to her sister (BIG NO NO) and she walked out. It started to pour rain so I got the little one up from her nap to jump in the car to go find her. She came back in and said I had to leave. I tried to stay but I could see it in her eyes, I needed to go. So I packed and we agreed that I would take S7.
We've had contact since. I've seen my D3. But last night I couldn't take it. She emailed me last night to ask me if I would take her mom to work and I said sure, no problem. I then asked her if I could please come see her. She said "I guess, you can put D3 down for bed but please don't try to stay. I can't, not yet." So I go, we talked to fill the air. I got on my knees while she was on the couch and tried to hold her hand. She pulled away and said "This, I can't do THIS. I'm sorry". 9 years and she can just turn it off like that?
Anyway, she also said all she ever wanted was for me to work and that if I do, things will be OK with us. But I don't know...
I love her with such a passion that being apart from her physically hurts me. And on the flip side, I over-analyze EVERYTHING. She didn't email me last night? Must be with a guy. She must be moving on. She only told me that because I was standing in front of her. She is just afraid to tell me it's over.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of crying. Tired of constantly refreshing my email hoping she will write.
Sorry if any of this was hard to read. I'm pretty meh right now.
