I am reading the Divorce Remedy book and browsing the forums. To be honest I've been a little overwhelmed by the amount of information here. I think I read a post by someone who briefly described a WW as I did. I am normally really positive around her. I have no idea how I ended up in that conversation and I regret saying what I said to her. I messed up. I apologized to her in the morning if I made her feel like I was putting her down and I expressed how I am trying to process what happened and trying to forgive her. I made a mental note to stop talking about the affair without our therapist present leading the conversation. That goes for relationship talk to. We agreed to only talk about our relationship after therapy with a 30m debrief.
She is not living with the OM (I've been to her house) and I do not factually know if they are still in contact although I believe they are. She has female roommates. I know she works a ton (I have verified this) and the little bit of time she does have she makes an effort to keep me involved in.
Regarding playing the victim that's the hardest part mentally because I feel like a victim. For the first month before I got my stuff together I was playing the victim and it was definitely not working. I made ALL of the mistakes. The last month I've been focusing on GAL truly. I've been going out a ton, exercising, and meeting new people. I've also stopped texting and calling her entirely. She initiates all contact when she wants to. She has acknowledged how busy and fun my life sounds and how she misses it.
When I said that I was considering not reconciling I was 100% serious. It wasn't a scare tactic. My emotions change day to day but at that point in time I really felt like I was over it. I love her for sure and when she's with me I really don't question if reconciling is worth it. When we are apart the resentment grows. I question her every move internally and I am always on guard about being used or lied to by her. I don't let that show or mention it but that's how I feel. Again I need to process more, take a step back, and not jump to decisions made based out of fear or anxiety.
Lastly I recognize and acknowledge why our relationship failed. I'm not putting all of the blame on her. I was emotionally unavailable at times. I grew up in a rough household and at a very early age I learned to deal with my problems on my own. I have been working hard through therapy, and with her to correct those issues. Unfortunately it took this to wake me up and get me to want to change for me. I also want to change for us. We're communicating on a crazy level now. We haven't had these types of emotionally charged, honest conversations in years.
I have no idea if it's going to work out. But we are getting along and we are communicating and being affectionate when she shows up. She seems to have fun with me. There is lots of laughing going on.
Should I continue my current course of action of GAL? I think I should. How do I know what's working and what's not? She keeps telling me how much progress we are making but how can I believe any of that?
