Been lurking for a while and decided to take the plunge and post something. This has been the hardest time of my life.
I've known my wife since I was 12 years old. Got married at 20. Just hit the 16 year anniversary. I have 3 daughters. I love them desperately. Our marriage has always been really difficult. Wife dropped the ILYBINILWY bomb about a year ago. She took off her rings shortly after. She was checking out over the last few years. I tried everything I possibly knew with my limited knowledge to make it all work. I love her very deeply, but she has a lot of issues and has never really been able to find happiness in her life choices. I've been a supporting and kind partner, but I certainly have a lot of issues myself. So after the bomb drop, I was grief stricken. I spent all my time reading books including DB, this forum, and working hard to understand what she wanted from me and how I could change. Soul searching. Owning my mistakes. Trying to communicate my understanding to her. And then the pain began. I did mostly all the wrong things.
We have had many conversations about what is wrong between us, with the dominant theme being that she's not in love with me anymore and has never been happy with me. The trouble I have with my situation is that most of the time the spouse who is leaving really doesn't value their partner. My wife has said throughout this process that she's very attracted to me, that I'm great in bed, that I'm her best friend and favorite person in the world. She says that I'm an amazing person and a good man. That I'm special. She says that there is this wall. That she's not sure about me. She has a very troubled past. When I was young she would run away from home and come to my house. I would console her. I would be her friend, her hero. Throughout my marriage people in my life have commented that she was hyper controlling and that I was being abused and didn't know why I stayed with her. There were many times when I felt like leaving, but I didn't want to abandon my wife and children. I felt like I was endlessly pouring my life into her, and she was a black hole. I picked up the pieces and handled everything when her plans didn't work out. I encouraged her and supported her. She distanced us from family and friends. I was litterally the only adult in her life for years. I never had time or resources and over the years just become hollow. I served my family, and tried to manage my wife's issues. I have been starving for kindness, attention and affection for my whole marriage.
She has said that we are not a good fit, that we have nothing in common, that she has never felt happy with me, and that I'm not a strong man. That she needs a man with a firm hand. That I've never chased her. Have not been a leader in the marriage. In every other place in my life I have excelled as a leader. I am successful. I am considered bold, confident, charismatic and deeply caring. I am known for my strength, wisdom, courage and compassion. But in my marriage i just could not get my wife to work with me. I had many opportunities to engage with her, but her behavior always made me feel like it didn't matter what I did, she always wanted to have it all her way, and hated me for when I disagreed to her high standards. I always wanted a close intimate relationship where we came together, enjoyed each other, had each other's backs and worked hard to build a future as a team. Where we didn't let things fester. I was too quick to forgive. Too nice. After a lot of deep searching I've come to the conclusion that I have been much of what she says. I wanted peace more than leadership. I gave away my strength and became needy and unattractive. I didn't seek her out, or spend much time with her because I felt like she didn't care about me.
After the BD, I worked day and night to try and fix myself, to be more. To change. To let go of my issues. It was a time of great difficulty at work, and with the kids transitioning from being homeschooled into a private school. This cost a fortune, but my wife couldn't handle the homeschooling anymore. During this time, she would sometimes daily but often weekly become very sweet and intimate with me. She would lay her head on my chest for hours. I would hold her all night while she slept. We would make love. She would reach out to me. It was amazing. Then the next day it would be gone. Sometimes for days, sometimes weeks. Then it would come back. This happened probably 25 times. There was never any explanation, so naturally I would inquire about what happened and she wouldn't answer. She would just say that she was only going to do what she felt comfortable doing at the moment. I made the mistake of seeking affirmation that things where getting better. So I got in this pattern of never trusting her. Like any man, I love sex, but I want her heart. I want intimacy. Sex without it feels like I'm being used. It became something that starkly contrasted the lack of intimacy, so it became horrible for me. She would make love to me, but wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand. Just frustrating beyond measure. It pushed me to a deep low that I'm still recovering from. I now understand my mistakes, because I was very emotionally affected by it all, and I reacted to it. I would get depressed, sometimes angry. We had only ever been with each other sexually. My head would swim with the shocking loss of my young love. The one thing I had always been able to trust. After all I had done, everything we had been through together. I wasn't strong enough to handle it. I was, of course, in denial for years, and never made my marriage a study. I've since realized that I mistook those things as signs that she was falling back in love with me, but I now know that women can just do those things with little meaning. I have never really been wired that way. She changed her worldview, and I was not in it. After my third daughter was born she started going into a crisis. Maybe MLC. I read DB shortly after the BD but did a poor job of implementing things due to her fluctuating behavior and my lack of inner strength in that space. It was the worst time of my life. Any attempt on my part to GAL only angered her and made her pull away more. When I 180ed that she would see it as perusing so she would distance. She was careful to never to give me hope. She had built up huge momentum for her to have freedom, and I was the thing holding her back.
After 10 months of this she cheated on me. It was EA/PA non-sexual(she claims) with a man she had apparently had a 'crush' on. He was in town from overseas for one night. I of course suspect that it was building for some time. I chose to separate at this point. I could not deal anymore. I was dying inside. I worked to start selling the house, moved the kids in with me at my parents so that they could be in a good school district with full time free childcare. She was going to get a job to pay for her to go to school. We would split custody. I would pay for everything. Selling the house would get rid of our debts. A month into the separation, she was very depressed. Eventually she said she wanted to keep the house and get a job to pay off our debts and take some responsibility for her life. I decided at the time it made sense because it was not this huge nuclear option, and I didn't know how I was going to have the time and money to sell the house. I didn't want to take away my kids lifetime home.
My current situation is this. I've been separated for 2.5 months now. The kids are staying with me for the summer. She left to spend a month in Europe with a friend to 'get some space'. I've been seeing an amazing councilor who has really helped me. She says that I'm pathologically selfless, and she's helping me to focus on myself. I'm in the gym lifting weights, and spending time with some really great friends. I work a lot right now, but I'm surrounded by lovely young creative people and have a lot of fun there. I have a great support network with my family. I recently got my motorcycle license and just bought all my safety gear. Looking forward to doing some riding with friends. Baby steps. I think about her every day. All day. Our contact is pretty limited due to the distance right now, and it's nice to have a break in some ways, really painful in others. After we separated she would still want me to come over and spend time with her, and we would talk late into the night. We would get lunch, or have dinner as a family. On our anniversary, we went out, wound up back at the house and she propositioned me and I didn't turn her down. I spent the next day with her. She "didn't want to give me any false hope". I told her I understood and that I can just enjoy her today. So I did. It was romantic and sweet. Then it ended. She was cold and distant the next day as I was used to. She is somewhat conflicted. Uses terms like "I'm not sure about you", "there is this wall", "I don't want you out of my life". She is sometimes very complimentary, and also jealous of any female in my life. I have told her that I don't want a divorce but that I respect her independence. In these things there is some hope, but I can't imagine what would turn it all around.
What I really could use is some help understanding what 180s I can do now. I've been focused on detaching and GAL. Being positive when I talk with her. Being fun. I am committed to not saying ILY or pushing in any other way. I don't call or txt unless it's about the kids. I end contact first. It's tough for me because one of the main points is that I never pursued her, but I feel like that can only come later when there is attraction. If she takes a step towards R. She wants to spend time together both alone and as a family and I'm not sure if this just enables us to stay in limbo with a side of cake-eating. While she's been away, she doesn't txt much, but the other day she texted me "I miss you!". Something she hasn't said to me in years. Then wanted to skype with me for a while. Asked me to go to the beach with her and the kids to hang out with a friend when she gets back. I don't really know how to handle it, because I don't want to go. It's so hard to be around her because of how in love I am with her. That being said, I am deeply convicted that my lack of leadership in the relationship is the main cause of all of this mess, at least on my part. I've been really digging deep to figure out what has made me get to this place, to put up with so much and yet to not have fixed it all years ago. I need to figure out how to handle her. How to stand up and be strong in my relationship. It goes against my instincts in this situation, but all the other stuff hasn't really worked. By leadership, I also include being positive, upbeat, providing fun, and being a rock that can withstand anything. I certainly have been overly emotionally affected, and generally have been overwhelmed with my life for many years. This is a weakness and I need to figure out how hard I'm willing to work on this.
Sorry for the wall of text, but any help would be amazing.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just checking in. I read everything from Cadet's post last night. I've skimmed them before, but deep-dove on them this time. Really great stuff. I'm working on detaching and am going as dark as I can given my situation. The great struggle is the emotions. The loss. Some days I feel like I'm in a nightmare, others stronger and more hopeful of a future alone. I'm trying to focus my energy on my kids and the things in my life I can control.
I have a lot of anxiety about my wife returning to the country. I am worried about what will happen, but I'm trying to take this time to really build up my reserves, plot my boundaries, and work on my communication skills.
Thanks so much for listening!
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
That's great advice, and luckily I had read this info in other threads, so I made sure to put in safety measures before I registered. I almost wish this popped up prior to registering as I bet a lot of people would not think to do these things, especially when they are hurting and going through some of the worst days of their lives. Thanks Cadet!
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
So I texted my wife last night. She had not contacted me in a few days. I felt like if I keep going dark, I'm just doing more of the same. One of her biggest issues with me was that I didn't pursue her or want to spend time with her. I kept it really light, just "Thinking about you, hope you are having a good time". She responded immediately and then asked to skype chat with me this morning. I said that I would love that.
So my phone starts ringing at 7 am sharp while I was laying in bed. I wasn't ready to answer, so I let it ring. She just kept calling over and over, so I finally picked up. Part of me feels like she was waiting for me to reach out.
We talked for 20 mins. Just light conversation. Joked around a lot. I tried to be bright and upbeat.
My wife has this way of pushing for details about what I've been doing and who I've been doing it with. I find it tough to be vague because she keeps pushing for info. I don't want to deny her my life, because I can't connect with her if I don't open up and talk to her like a normal human being.
That's sort of something I'm starting to see. It's almost a 180 for me to reach out to her. I'm not pursuing her romantically, or pressuring her for anything, but just doing what I would normally with a friend. I'm sorta trying to say, 'hey, I'm here and I care about our relationship'.
I struggle a bit with the LRT because my wife doesn't feel like I wanted to be with her most of our marriage. That was not true, but it's a hurt in her that's been there a long time. By following that course, I only enforce the old hurts. I feel like I have to find a hybrid where I reach out to her without pursuing. Just being friendly so that she sees that I do enjoy her company, and that I am enjoyable to be around.
That's one of the tough things in my relationship situation, because we are separated, but she wants to spend time with me.
Any thoughts?
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Well, my wife called me today. We talked for two hours. She's still on her trip abroad. It went well I think. I shared a bit of what I was going through with my IC. This was a 180, because I would never usually say anything about that(had little to do with her). She seemed pleased about it. She could hear my phone getting texts, and asked me "do you have a girlfriend yet?". I can't fathom what is in her head that she thinks that I would do that. I've been completely clear that she is the person I want to live my life with. I haven't said anything like that in a while, but I definitely delivered the message a month ago. I should have escalated it by saying something like "yes, like 3 of them" in a joking way, but I just said no with a bewildered voice.
She invited me to stay overnight at the house with her and the kids the day she gets back and then spend the day with them. Dunno. I think she's trying to get a read on what we could be in the future. Might be wishful thinking. Either way, I agreed to it. At this point I figure any opportunity to connect and bring us closer is one I should take.
Thanks for reading and look forward to any reply.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Not sure if I'm doing something wrong, but I could really use some feedback or encouragement.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Ok, well I'll try and ask a bit more specifically.
When my W wants to talk to me, do I just keep it light and get off the phone? Do I not agree to hang out with her and the kids? So far, she has not experienced any real loss from her choices. I also can't detach as easily if she keeps me in limbo, but if I don't reconnect with her, then there can't be R.
Help!
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
Sorry Solo - sometimes it's tough to get people's advice at the beginning (you know, when you bed it the most). There's so many people here that it's hard to over one the inertia to respond to someone new when they may not post again! I'll read up on your sitch and try to post some thoughts late tonight.
