Jedi, I do still want reconciliation. I still love H. But I have lost respect for him and gained respect for myself which changes my perspective. He is in IC. He is extremely stuck in "victim" mode and very dependent on his parents emotionally.
In the last 8-9 months I have experienced : my daughter had an emotional breakdown and was in a partial hospitalization program for 9 weeks, my husband had a depressive breakdown and first vented for months how he "hates" our daughter, then switched his hatred to me, he also told his parents he wished they were dead, my husband had an EA, my In laws have ganged up on me and vented hatred and some seriously twisted emotions on me, my husband started drinking heavily and raging at me. I have heard my husband, daughter, and now my 11 year old son express suicidal thoughts. I have spent countless hours listening to everybody, driving people to counseling, reading every self help book available, doing 180's, GAL, taking care of my kids, praying, reaching out in positive ways to friends, pretty much holding everyone together and taking care of myself and acting with love.
I am NOT saying I didn't contribute to the breakdown of our marriage- I am NOT saying H does not have any valid points- or that I handled the sitch with my IL's well, I am a flawed person and I am seriously and very humbly working on myself. I carry a lot of that on my shoulders and I do NOT let myself off the hook.
But. I am not a martyr to my marriage either. My daughter's mental health is slipping again (she is still way better than she was) and I can see clearly how when her mental state slips, my H's mental health slips even further. I can see clearly how when H gets off the phone with his father he withdraws from me. I can see clearly how when H drinks, he vents rage at me, mostly blames me for his mother's health issues and my daughter's health issues.
There is no forgiveness in his words or actions, only hurt, there is no willingness to work on himself, only blame. And meanwhile, my daughter is slipping again, my 11 year old son is depressed. I need to take care of my kids. I don't need a 46 year old kid, I have 3 actual children who need me. And I need some kind of life and some breathing room where I am not blamed for every freaking thing that has gone wrong in the world.
I have never stopped loving my H. I can't imagine that I ever will. But he has nothing to offer me right now. It is sad to see him struggle, it is sad to see him cope in unhealthy ways, and to withdraw and drink and smoke and isolate himself. But these are the choices he is making.
Last night we were invited to a friend's house for a campfire. H decided to stay home because he was tired. I went with my children, my daughter cuddled up to me on one side acting silly, my youngest son cuddled up to me on the other side, my other son running around the yard with my friend's children sharing tales from boy scout camp and we all spent close to 2 hours laughing and just being together. Silly kids jokes and just general small talk. Came home to H sitting on the sofa, he looked like he had been crying.
I do want to reconcile, but with who? This new depressed H who hates me? Or the old H who tbh was a good man but not really emotionally checked in even when things were going well? I am hoping for a new H in the future, who has kicked the depression, has taken himself out of the victim mentality, and who wants to spend time with me and the children. That is my hope but who knows if it will ever happen? He is in IC, is on antidepressants, has once again agreed to stop drinking, has broken up with OW. So maybe in time he will heal. But as for now I am detached.
