Thanks Toots, RD and V for checking on me. I am somewhat OK and in the same time I am an emotional mess.
I am functioning OK, most like a robot then a person. I am very tired, exhausted with all what is going on.
Tomorrow I need to be in court by 8:30am, it may be final or not, right now we are in the hands of a judge (a woman). I am having some trouble with the fact that it is just that...final. In the same time I actually believe that final will bring me some peace.
So as you can see, I am a complete mess and I don't really know what to think. XH has been a beast. He is living in some other planet these days. He does not care about anyone else.
He took the two younger ones to eat out and go to a movie last Friday. The kids told me that he slept the whole movie. Did not talk much, just the same old.
I also found a job search on internet, all in French language, what shows XH is still thinking about moving to France.
Sometimes I can't believe he is this man. He became something intolerable, disgusting. The face he normally shows is one of a suffering person and yet he has his plans and is moving forward with them, without any regard for what one day was his family.
I think that now what is most difficult for me is to accept that I have been giving my life to someone like him.
I haven't been posting just because I am super busy right now. School will start soon and my kids are doing AP and honors classes and have a lot to do during vacations. I am also working full time and still need to keep up with normal life errands.
I just wish to come out in one piece and start my own life without so much trouble. These last week was very hard and this one is not much easier.
My only hope is that everyone says it gets better and easier. Time is a healer and I need it right now.
I wish I can post every thought I have, I wish this whole pain will go away like magic, I wish I could take away all the pain I see in my kids eyes, I wish XH wake up one day and see all the damage he is doing, I wish I had married to a man with courage and decency.
I just wish that I could wake up tomorrow and time already went by and it does not hurt anymore. It is curious that the one thing that does not show much these days is love. The feelings are not related to love anymore, they are just wounds created by a bunch of lies, betrayals, selfishness, disregard, disrespect, rejection, abandonment and so much more, but not love in itself.
I guess there is no room to love someone like XH is right now.
I don't know anymore if XH is an MLCear. Sometimes I think he is. Like Saturday morning he called me wanting to know how much he was supposed to deposit in my account and then complained that his life is a complete mess and he is very miserable right now.
I can't even believe I heard those words. I even asked what he wants from me. He is the one that wants the D and does not want to work on our M, he is the one that left his family. I am out of his way and whatever is happening is just what is stated by law. Is this really real that he wants me to feel sorry for the life he has right now? It's his choice.
I also asked if he had any other expectation of what is Divorce. So far, there are tons of literature and statistics showing how it is destructive to everyone involved. I also said that if he is willing to go through so much destruction and pain just to get rid of me, then I would just follow my path and leave him alone and do not bother him anymore because it is clear that whatever comes in his way is better then fight for our life together.
XH said and keep saying that he still loves me like no one else in this world, that he does not love me just as the mother of his children, but for the woman I am. Said that soon I will understand that what he is doing is for the best. I don't get it, he does not come clean and just say what is in his mind.
But, whatever it is, it won't change what is going on and he is very decided to end it all for good.
I need to work now. Will try to keep up with my posts at least. I am not posting for anyone anymore but better days will follow and I will be able to have a more normal life.
I love you all and can't put in words how much strength I have because I am in this board. I don't know if I could do it all if I did not have the support I get from you all.
And RD, you are also my life saver. I think about you often and it gives me courage to keep myself strong. You also keep me dreaming about good stuff. Yesterday I saw "The Last of the Mohicans'... I just love that movie and the main song (soundtrack) is one of my favorite music. I was making dinner and dancing in the middle of my kitchen, pretending I was at the top of the mountain you often visit.
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, just hope that the judge agrees with the Mediation results and we just sign this bloody divorce once for all.
