Mahhhty...my wife said she left b/c I don't respect her, we were late on the house payments and inconsistent money flow (business is bad)But I got a Job. Drinking but I stopped. I was mean when we argued. Now it could be anything I say.
Hello fdu! One thing you need to understand is that right now your W is DONE. You should be all means seek to change yourself, to right all of the wrongs from the marriage. But you have to do so with NO EXPECTATIONS. Everything you do your wife will view as "too little too late" and she will see it as your attempt to manipulate her back into the M. In other words, right now you can do nothing right. She has convinced herself you are the enemy. You've got to fix yourself for yourself, not for her. You've got to stick to your changes LONG TERM. Change for a month and revert back and she'll think "yup, same old H." But change for months and months and eventually she will start thinking "wow, he really has changed" and she -might- be interested in a relationship with -that- you.
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Since they have left I have been trying to tell my 9 year Son Daddy's fixing things in which my wife said she needed.
Do NOT talk to the kids about your sitch!!! The ONLY thing you should tell your kids is that you and their mom BOTH love them very much and that regardless of what happens, you will both ALWAYS be there for them. I think if you're honest with yourself, the reason you said that to your S is you hope he will talk to your W about it and try to tell her you're changing. DO NOT DO THAT. Do you read Sandi's rules every day? "Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse." Your W will see it as manipulation, she sees you trying to "rally the troops" behind you and against her.
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I have done the first 2 and working on showing the respect, but she seems like she is bitter and angry causing issue to fight. She says she loves me but it hurts to be with me and it's over.
Like I said, change for you, not for her. Because -right now- she is done and it makes no difference. You're in a marathon, not a sprint!
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We will be going to counseling that I have to schedule.
Now isn't the time for counseling. Counseling is just pressure, and pressure is the last thing she wants right now. Invest in a DB counselor for yourself instead.
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She says it's over and that she doesn't want to try no matter what.
Listen to her. Empathize with her. This is her reality right now and it will be for many months and maybe even years.
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It hurts so much to hear her tell me it's over and there is no chance at all of us being together.
Many marriages here have been saved, and believe me, EVERY LBS has heard their WAS say this. Remember Sandi's rules. "Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared."
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I don't understand how she can be so cold and not feel their pain.
She is "acting as if". Keep reading DB, read it over and over again. Your W is very scared right now, inside she's in great turmoil. You won't see it on the outside because she's wearing a mask. She knows she's hurting the kids and it's tearing her up. But she thinks it's the right thing to do. You've got to give her time to see and accept the new you. LOTS of time.
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I really wish my wife was missing me and having second thoughts as I am thinking that she is over me and doesn't care.
She IS missing you and she IS having second thoughts. But she will never verbalize that to you.
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In the beginning of the breakup I would tell her your giving up on us and the family
Don't say things like that! You're making it all HER fault, but in her eyes it's all YOUR fault. You need to see things from her point of view. Fix your problems and leave her to fix hers.
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She needs to breathe and it hurts to much to love me. Personally I wouldn't throw away my family without trying together as a family.
She feels like she tried and tried and tried and you did nothing. So now she's done and it's too late. Again, you have to try and understand what SHE is going through and what SHE is thinking. Because right now you are only concerned about you, and guess what, she sees that as the same selfish attitude that landed you in this breakup. Much of DB'ing is about understanding the psychology of the WAS and countering their thinking through actions on your part. You've got to quit thinking you are the victim and she's the bad guy. This is the person that loved you and raised kids with you, there are reasons she left and you've got to address those. You've got to feel empathy for her, not anger.
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To me it sounds like she's being guided by her mom or individual therapist.
As long as you keep saying things like this you will never start making the changes you need to make. You think your W can't think for herself? That she is being manipulated into this? That is a very disrespectful attitude. Quitting drinking, that's easy. Changing the way you think and your attitude towards her? That is very hard, but THAT is what will get her attention.
