Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[714Dad]

Sandi,

first, i wasn't trying to shift the blame to 'being mad at someone else.' i was saying it more like i was stupid because i wasn't even mad at her and yet i snapped at her.

i've been in therapy over a year and just switched to a new therapist after my wife left. the difference between then and now is pretty remarkable i think, but it wasn't remarkable enough to her obviously.

as the last year progressed and i got better control and backed off, giving her alone time and stuff that she asked for, our arguments became more intense and she was the one screaming at me. she kicked a hole in the bathroom door and a bedroom door, knocking the jamb off in the process. she also screamed 'i hate you' several times during an argument because i was saying i wouldn't listen and that we needed a time to cool off. i was stonewalling, but it was the more instinctual kind where it was so heated i was just shutting down inside to make it stop. which works so well as we know.

it was really like our roles switched. i would suggest going out, and she would be mad or pouty. i would listen to her complain and not judge. she would blame me for things in the past or ask me why i did them (all stuff from my past playbook which made it doubly frustrating). she kicked in doors, slammed doors, kicked the inside of the car dashboard while driving, etc.

so yes, i had a few bouts of anger, but most of the year was good with more sadness and regret on my part than anger. i told her all the time how beautiful she as, how i loved her, etc. but she said none of it made up for the past. i am leaps and bounds better with the D3 and D6, and I always tried to make sure she had a lot of time with them. (this hurt me in the long run because i was always reluctant to do date nights or 'rob' her of time with the girls.

and she told me why she left; to let the world in; a third of her life was over and she hadn't done what she wanted to do; she wants to focus on her career; she isn't in love with me; she thinks we're better parents when we're not together; and she doesn't think she's good for me; and she's letting me free to find someone that can make me happy. and another gem was that basically i bring out the worst in her.

i hope i don't sound like i'm making excuses. i am fully aware of what i did and how it progressed to where it has.

and no, the anger stuff hasn't affected jobs. so yeah, been in therapy a year, gotten a good handle on most of it, but still had impulse issues and problems validating feelings if i felt i couldn't understand them (stupid i know).

and i didn't believe she would walk away because she had left a year earlier and come back on multiple conditions i had implemented or were ongoing. to me things were getting better with some speed bumps, but after the fact she said the couples counseling wasn't that effective for her and that every time she felt love rekindled an argument would blow it out. whereas i was falling more deeply in love with her than i had been before.

again, not trying to make excuses. not trying to say she isn't justified. not trying to shift blame. not trying to lessen my part in it.

just looking for advice and ideas.