new here

[Vanilla]

You are voicing just fine, and what you say is very insightful. I love reading your words

I just need some paragraphs, as the text is very compact if it's all in one block. My eyes strobe if there are too many lines of text close together. You young folk with your great eyesight can read it.

I will take a little of your post, if I may to illustrate.

Vanilla and others.. you asked about bd1 2008 I guess we didnt really tackle all the issues that were present back then.

As he says things got better for a long time and then old habits started sneaking back in. Again the communication piece was a big one. We have been doing a much better job expressing things without being mean or hurtful but from a place of caring understanding and listening.

I use my feelings more when I express things now and give examples of what I want or like and ive noticed some changes coming from him in regards to those.
I feel like we are just off track and not completly broken. Maybe just my defense mechanism playing out here but we still care very much.. not just my words.

We dont hate one another we still have laughs we are still attracted to one another.. things arent completely miserable and he agrees we just want and need things to be better. We both have said we dont want the same relationship we had.

Again I have hope.

That is why this is so difficult. I am not miserable (anylonger) I am coping really well and adjusting. I have my bad days of course.

I am learning so much here but question my everymove. I know im not playing completely by the book. I do want things to change and be better. I am trying a modification if you will, of the going dark for days and then usually txt or end up seeing him if able.

I guess that is probably the persuer chase game going on because after a few dark days he is eagerly txting back and suggesting we get together. I am having a difficult time working aroubd the 180 in this regard because one of our issues was lack of intimacy for him. Not that I didnt want it I was stubbornly not as willing because my emotional needs were not being met as I expressed before.

Before coming here I made a valliant effort to rekindle and accept advances and made plenty of my own. At that time I figured before we seperated I wanted to make lasting impression and I did. I also figured what do i have to lose at this point he is moving and having A i might as well try everything. He had said just before S that if things had been like the last 2 months earlier in our R we prob wouldnt need to be S. Of course we both know more needed to change than better communication and SR to have a better marriage.

This is where one of my 180's comes into play. I have made the efforts to be more aggressive, spontaneous sexy etc.. do I just shut that off now.

Of course im also hoping he will no longer want to see OW as well if more or all of his needs are being met with me. Uuuggghhh.. this is so tough... and NO I dont want to share him and NO I dont want diseases.. and YES ive recently been to my Drs..

Thank you everyone for your support ideas and thought provoking questions.

They are wonderful expressions of you. Thank you for being so honest.

V