2009 - STBX and I are crazy in love, key word crazy. We are on a rollercoaster, but man I never felt this way. That scene at the party, I broke up with him, but he was so rational and well adjusted, we got back together later...
2010 - talks of M increase. IDK why he does and says what he does, when he loves me so much. Deceits, misgivings over his job losses, but it's ok, we'll work it out. I am still in love and I have so much hope and faith.
2011 - finally engaged, but was a sad proposal. That still hurts, it should have been a memory where I felt how much I was worth to him, but he rolled out of bed without a ring, said the sweet things about looking forward to his life with me, because the day had come to fish or cut bait. He seemed to really get behind the fiance thing though, and was more stable than as a BF. Still fights where, "Z, we shouldn't even be together"
2012 - Still a couple of ridiculous fights...and then the life changing car accident. Before going under he told the surgeon to reassure me, he was going to walk for his wedding. Our community folded around us, and we were well supported, even if every time someone said hello they asked how he was before asking how I was. He didn't want his pain meds, was afraid of them...I went to bed thankful he was still alive each night, happy to make that little prayer of gratitude. I was still crazy about him.
2013 - We were married. Honeymoon. Some of the happiest days and memories of my life, even now. The last day of the honeymoon, he left me on the street in Paris because I'd asked him to put his phone away and be present during our dinner. When I came back to the flat, his headphones on, I just went to bed beside him. An apology the next morning. Ok.
Behavior is increasingly erratic. I try to talk to him about my concern over pain meds/getting tested for his mother's personality dementia Pick's disease, nothing is making sense to me day to day.
2014- I am complaining to him via text about the shape of the house, I'm working three jobs and just need help...he blocks my phone calls and texts for a week, acts like nothing is wrong at home, asks to be taken out to dinner. Finally I figure it out and he is snide, "I'm not trying to divorce you just yet"
It gets worse throughout the year. He pushes me away hard. Claims I don't care about him, his medical situation, but he won't talk to me about any of it. Sees me as the enemy. Treats me worse. He's angry and volatile with his lawyer, blames me for everything. Sometimes apologizes and says how much he hates being a burden even when I reassure him he's not. Starts retreating emotionally, making sporadic efforts. Tells me I will need to F other men when I tell him I want children, and then runs around the family reunion with crocodile tears when I'm not looking, yet treats me icily. I find that he's been texting old female friends like he's on crack, and finally a mutual friend comes to me with how uncomfortable she is...bomb drops at MC. We separate.
I fly to his hometown to see him and sit in a room with him like an adult and talk it over. He comes back just for a day or two...then never leaves, putting his ring back on. Settles his case, and for about two months we are piecing, and he tells me how lucky he is to still have me, BUT he threatens to leave me, date other people, give up also during this time. It's very hard to continue DR, everything is still erratic, but I think I have a new tool in my toolbelt, we'll be fine. I think he is 'teething' and so put up with things I never did, staying calm, when I used to blow up and push back. In a way, things get better, and they also get worse. Bigger swings.
His settlement check is scheduled to arrive. He gets physically violent in a way I never knew. I was afraid for the first time. Treated to three days of a silent treatment where he acted mad at me. He went out partying on my card without asking. I didn't know when I confronted him, roommate present, that he'd just picked up his check that afternoon. He shrugs, smirks. He doesn't care. Divorce is all we can do. I tell him he needs to find another place to stay then.
For the next two days he giggles in my presence, on the computer. Or cries. Acts as though nothing is wrong. Magically can drive his car and doesn't need the cane, either. He leaves, and we meet three weeks later to discuss things. He pushes dissolution papers at me, but I just can't. Two hour conversation recorded, and he's rather at peace with things in seems, tells me he has no interest in thinkng about things, just wants to take care of himself and sleep around, I brought the fight to him, it was why he didn't care to address his anger, he understands it was wrong, doesn't care. Not interested in reflecting on anything. Yes, but he's lost his temper before he says...well, it was the easy decision to make, it's not like a wife who is afraid of her husband is a healthy thing and people don't change he says.
He uses a paralegal to draw up divorce papers, demands I sign. I do. There is verbal abuse via text from him, but three months go by, and when asked why he isn't signing, "it's just paperwork, what do you care?"
Finally I hire a mediator, someone we'd both known. "I don't even understand why I'm getting D...SHE wants this...I'll sign if it's what she wants..." He calls our MC the day he signs and leaves a message.
I panic and reach out to him. Tell him there is a path back, it will be difficult, but we loved each other enough it is possible if he will get counseling. "Z, I disagree, I will not try to contact you."
I always pursued him in the past the three times we broke up or almost did. I was the adult in the room. I inspired, I talked of faith. We talked through the details enough to get to where we could see each other's point of view and make promises of how it wouldn't happen again. As long as I was the first to say I'm sorry, I can see how I provoked/caused/how you misunderstood...
So here I sit, thinking I could maybe have him back again if I will pursue just a bit harder, like I did when we were 'piecing' and didn't that work out well...
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
