It sounds like your W is checking to see if you still love her. Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of detaching. And I believe you may be in shock. I went through many periods during and after where I believed I was fine, only to end up a mess periodically. It is ok, and you're blessed with a clear head right now. Perhaps an angry one, but clear. The anger says your values are deeply violated, and is a nice defense against more hurt right now. The emotions rolling in afterward, when there is no more drama to deal with, are the hardest.
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to draw her back or not? If you don't know, that's ok, too. When in doubt, do nothing different!
Thanks I think I have been in shock for a while and I don't know if I want to draw her back or not but I'm sick and tired of her popping my balloon every time she pleased. I have 5 more coaching sessions and hopefully by the end of that I'll know better.
Quote:
- There is nothing you can do and nothing you did do to cause her to think and feel how she does. Her choices, her issues. Doesn't mean you're perfect, but you're still here trying, and that is all any healthy relationship can ask for.
Exactly...someone in a caregiving support group told me "not my circus not my monkey"
Quote:
- Spouse is a separate person with a right to live their life however they choose, to love us or not. What they do is not our business. Vows don't mean anything to them anymore, not part of their current value system. This is their choice. Doesn't mean you're not worthy of being loved, or that you lost their love because of who you failed to be - love takes work and it is their choice to sustain or give up.
I keep hearing this and one the one hand I agree on the other hand it makes me so mad at her that she gave me up on us. "love is a choice"
Quote:
- It is ok to hurt. The hurt itself doesn't mean that the past is worth returning to, was good for you, or that the pain will go away with reconciliation. A whole tube of toothpaste, once squeezed out, doesn't go back in. Grieve and hurt however you need to, be kind and loving to yourself. Your best way forward is rational and detached, not reactive to the emotions and pain.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry that you pulling your husband back just resulted in more pain. I'm going to go take a look at your thread now.
