It sounds like your W is checking to see if you still love her. Sounds like you've done a fantastic job of detaching. And I believe you may be in shock. I went through many periods during and after where I believed I was fine, only to end up a mess periodically. It is ok, and you're blessed with a clear head right now. Perhaps an angry one, but clear. The anger says your values are deeply violated, and is a nice defense against more hurt right now. The emotions rolling in afterward, when there is no more drama to deal with, are the hardest.
I think you need to ask yourself if you want to draw her back or not? If you don't know, that's ok, too. When in doubt, do nothing different!
Being detached by itself may not be enough to draw a spouse back, it is that, with a combination of attraction and hope she will feel for you.
I was able to draw my WH/STBX back through a lot of the DR method, and I sometimes wish I hadn't. But it was detachment/opening my heart to validate and empathize after he'd had some space, while striking a balance of dignity and 'I'll be ok without you' attitude. The last thing I said to him before he put his ring back on was that I understood he did what he felt he had to, I understood why, and all that was in my power was to do what I could for me and our M. That I'd be at peace either way. With that kind of acceptance and compassion, he seemed to find hope we weren't adversaries and things could work out. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the abuse I'd been under for years, the increased compassion and empathy during piecing alternately inspired him to also try or walk all over me like a doormat without my reactive anger in place. Maybe he just used me and never actually came back to piece, but I'll never know.
I was a caretaker for my WH, post accident. On oxy. Your thread stuck out to me for this reason. Arguably my STBX had borderline personality issues since the beginning with a volatile defensive/aggressive temper, aimlessness, unemployment, suicidal and depressed feelings, theatrical, unpredictable moods, irrationality...I loved him dearly and am still exploring my need to fix, teach and save him. It was his decision to push me away and tell himself outrageous lies about how I was an enemy that didn't care about him. It is your W's decision, and I hope you find steady peace knowing you can only do so much and you are doing it!
With the DR method, as Sandi points out, they come charging like bulls when you seem balanced.
It is hard to be a peace when you know you are on the other end of needless destruction, and I understand how hard this must be after all you've tried to be for her and your family. Thoughts that have brought me peace:
- There is nothing you can do and nothing you did do to cause her to think and feel how she does. Her choices, her issues. Doesn't mean you're perfect, but you're still here trying, and that is all any healthy relationship can ask for.
- Spouse is a separate person with a right to live their life however they choose, to love us or not. What they do is not our business. Vows don't mean anything to them anymore, not part of their current value system. This is their choice. Doesn't mean you're not worthy of being loved, or that you lost their love because of who you failed to be - love takes work and it is their choice to sustain or give up.
- It is ok to hurt. The hurt itself doesn't mean that the past is worth returning to, was good for you, or that the pain will go away with reconciliation. A whole tube of toothpaste, once squeezed out, doesn't go back in. Grieve and hurt however you need to, be kind and loving to yourself. Your best way forward is rational and detached, not reactive to the emotions and pain.
Wishing you strength.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
