Help for LBH who has a WW (new thread)

[Joe46]

((Zues)) I am hearing the pain in your words. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better today.

After sharing your feelings, I will honestly say that I don't believe you should seek reconciliation at this time. Sometimes just too much damage has occurred. I believe people are often pushed to do what someone dictates as "the right thing". Well, it sounds as if you were doing the right thing and still received terrible treatment. Perhaps you struggle even now about doing what is perceived to be right. It is for nobody to decide what Zues should except you. I blame nobody for not wanting to step back into a relationship with a person who did what your W has done to you.

I think you agree, and that what you're saying is that you'd need proof they had DRAMATICALLY changed into a different person that regretted those decisions, a person that had been so impacted and had grown so far they might as well be a stranger to your old partner, but a stranger with kids and history you share. And that you are CAUTIONING LBH's for accepting any less.

Yes, that's pretty much what I meant. However, how dramatically they change can certainly vary from person to person. Your W would be one who would need a total make over inside and out, and it would need to be authentic. I have not read many accounts where that actually occurs. Doesn't mean it's impossible. I think there has to be a driving force behind anyone's dramatic change. We tell LBH'S to change for themselves, not to just get her back. Same thing applies to the WW. Anyone can put on a good front for a while. Eventually the real person will show.

I think it would probably take a few years for her to change as much as she would need, in order to be the W you deserve to have. I'm no professional, so it's JMO. I do believe with complete repentance comes healing and opportunity to live a better life. That is her choice, and it's your choice if she lives with you, or not.

Oh btw, whenever I say the woman has to respect a man in order to be in love with him, it doesn't mean he is a bum or necessarily did something wrong in the M. Some women lose respect for themselves and everyone. In such a case, you would have to ask yourself if she was worth it.

I like this post because these thoughts have run through my head in the past. I am going to explain why I will not reconcile with my STBXW. Lies, affairs, EA and betrayal break the trust in the worst way. I could never trust STBXW again. I stayed in our marriage all this time before even though I suspected she was telling little lies. Mostly about money and things. Now she has gone to a place of no return. Sandi said it best in her last comment. To me STBXW is NOT worth it. I am by far not a perfect person or husband. I had my faults in our marriage. But I deserve better.

Trust and deciding if I ever wanted to take a chance on experiencing that kind of hurt again was a big one for me. STBXW now has a track record of lies, cheating, stealing and betrayal. She may change some or all of those things. And if she does, I will be happy for her and happy for our kids. But I still won't take her back. A wonderful older lady here in town was talking to me about her marriage and when her ex left her for another woman. She is so wonderful with all our kids. Her oldest son asked her if she would ever think about getting back together with their father. She said that she did not think that would ever happen. She explained that the first time he was late or gone where she could not get a hold of him, all the fears would come back. This is my thinking also. What is she doing while I am at work? Who is she texting? Who is she talking to? Who is she seeing when she goes to town? Once that trust is broken, it is pretty hard to get it back. Especially in alot of our situations! Not only was there the pain of them leaving, but the pain of them cheating and than for how long? In my situation, I have found out this has been going on for a long time. In my house! Under my roof! With my children at home!(EA) Texting another man while sitting next to me in the truck or at home! If I would have known about it back than I would have kicked her out so fast she would not have known what hit her!! Intel!! I am a believer in it now!!

My opinion! Acknowledge your faults in your marriage, work to correct them and leave the cheaters to be with their new dishonest partner! Let them deal with them!! Someone that is worthy of you will come along one day!!