PigPen's Dropped Rope - WAW and Waiting (4)

[PigPen]

Thank you for all of the check ins and love everyone. V, E, Bob, Zues, much appreciated. I'm headed into work in a minute so I'm just going to put down a general update.

The last two weeks have been tough, ever since the skipped MC meeting and the BS about my dog, I've really swallowed just how "over" my M is. At this point I see no chance of reconciliation and still waiver on whether I'd be open for it myself. Cadet's line when I first joined about the LBS being the one that eventually makes the decision is starting to hit home.

On BD, I thought it was all about my, my addictions, my lack of emotional maturity, and my issues. If I could get those all sorted out, then we'd have clear sailing from then on. I have gotten those issues handled (day 197 today), have worked the programs, have put the time and honesty in with my IC, and could list all of the ways that my life is different now. Not only different, but also all of the communication levels, and emotional interactions that I no longer tolerate, not just in myself, but in those I deal with. How eight months of hell have literally changed my DNA.

This past weekend I spent the day with the employees of our company and my business partner on an appreciation day for them. I was the only sober one out of the group, which was not my usual role with this crew of people. The pull was there, but it wasn't just to have a few beers, or smoke a joint with them. It was to be back in my old life. One where I did have a few beers, smoke a joint with my team, but more importantly - to try to find joy in that life. I felt the pull of 70% happy. I felt the little voice say, "You can make a life out of this business, you can live like this forever. 70% happy is better than most people dream of."

However, the louder voice said, "70% happy is not good enough. 70% happy led to addiction, lying, and two lives because it was not good enough then. Don't for a second fool yourself that it will somehow be good enough now. Especially now."

So I didn't. As hard as it was not to stay sober, but to realize that the life I built for myself prior to BD and my whole world imploding was not ever going to be good enough moving forward. That whole life was my round peg to that square hole. It was tough because it means a rebuild, and I'm (censored) tired after the last eight months! But it's also exciting because the little glimpse I feel from time to time of the life I'm going to be living moving forward is exhilarating.

On some level I'm beginning to think that my W is also a square hole. Or at least my M was. It wasn't just about my addictions, it wasn't just about my LL or communication style, it wasn't all me but me trying to fit into 70% happy in my relationship, and on a very real level, my W doing the same thing only realizing this a lot sooner and pulling the plug because she didn't have the same numbing agents that I had so she felt the pain long before I could even recognize it. I feel for her and her experience of our M. I'm sorry for it. My truest desire is for her to be fulfilled in her own life. We both deserve that.

That's how I feel today anyway, if things follow the usual emotional course I'm sure I'll be back on here in an hour professing my undying love for her and how much I miss her. I do miss her. I just don't miss my old life with her.

What a mind (censored) this whole process is.

Have a good week fellow DB'ers, it's a brand new one filled with endless possibilities. May they be peaceful, pain easing, and maybe even sprinkled with bits of joy.