I am doing well, getting better at validating but it is SO hard when I don't agree with him, but I have Sandi's cheat sheet on my phone so that helps. I am doing better.
Had a productive conversation with H yesterday about what I think is our biggest issue- his parents involvement. He actually brought it up. I told him that I have disengaged- that for the last 6 months, and in particular the last 3 since it took me a while to "get it right" I have taken myself out of the problem. That I still hear things and I am not taking the bait, it stops with me.
No matter what happens with our marriage, his parents will be at our children's graduations, weddings, special events, etc, and I do not want let a grey cloud over my head at every event in the future, and I hope that my "letting go" will prevent the cloud from being there for him and for the children. Sadly, the cloud has been there up until now for all events, holidays, memories, there was always some drama going on. Always. I am letting it go. All of it. It isn't worth it. I wish I did this 20 years ago. H acknowledged that there are problems with his mother.
I was shocked- in the last 6 months he keeps saying it is all me. He acknowledged that we need boundaries. again, shocked- for 25 years if I mention the word boundary he acts as though I said FU. He also asked if he needed to step in since I am still dealing with stuff. And I said no, I've got it, and I said that I don't think we are ready for that yet, that we should work on our marriage and he should work on his depression and then when we are stronger we can work with our counselor on these issues. He asked what boundaries I thought we needed (umm, hasn't he been listening for 25 years?) and I said lets put that on the back burner and take care of him and us and deal with the rest later. The only thing I will take a stand on right now is when it effects our children's safety. (for example the inlaws don't believe in seat belts in cars and this is an ongoing battle.)
He held my hand briefly yesterday, hugged me, and asked me to go out to dinner with him next weekend. Again, the conversation was initiated by him, very heavy talk, but I stayed non-emotional, expressed myself AND validated him. I ended it by saying "thank you for talking to me, I am glad that you felt like you could share your thoughts and feelings with me, thank you."
